Well look what I found hanging in the closet, a "literary license" ballcap. It totally doesn't fit the head of an embryonic MLS fan like me, but I'm going to try it on anyway...
Call me FakeFakeSigi...
So a couple of days ago some Seattle noob decided to blow their own horn and explain to us all how the world was square. Well I made sure that didn't last log. The world is flat, it's always been flat, and I'm not about to let some infantile troll from Seattle try to tell anyone it's different. I know I'm trying this new subcription thing and all to keep my whip on the road, but I'll throw myself under the bus no problem in this case. I don't give a crap if Seattle's the biggest market in the league or not. Their army of trolls can piss off. I've got like 10 small market minions supporting me with their subscription dollars. They'll keep me cozy. I'm not about to kowtow to the new blood in this league. Toronto and Seattle need to sit down and shut up. Oh, and you Vancouver and Portland folks better be listening because I won't heasitate to jack y'all just the same if you get out of line, so keep your mouths shut. Don't make me turn the amp plugged into the ZigiBot up to 11.
You understand. The MLS blogosphere is like this big company (single-entity if you will) and you need seniority to have ideas. You know, street cred. I have it, you don't. It takes time to earn. If you try to use your brain too quickly, I'll make sure that it ends badly for you. All ideas are not created equally you see, and yours, even though they aren't grounded 100% in reality, need to die quickly so you don't get overconfident. I'm the law in these parts, and you know how the song goes... you fight the law and the law wins.
See, I'm the Bill Maher of the MLS blogosphere, this is my domain, and the sooner you all get that straight in Seattle, the better. I'm the only one with ideas and you just need to shut up and accept what I say as truth. If there's a snide remark to make, an exec that needs to be called onto the carpet, a blogger who's being sexist, or a system that isn't working, I'll be the one to sort it out. Maybe in a few years some Seattle or Toronto troll wil be able to climb the ladder. It kind of depends on how my subscription thing works out really. Until then keep your citizenry in line over there at Sounder at Heart. I won't hesitate to open up another can of whoopass if I deem it necessary.
Peace out, futher mucker.
That was fun. Note that unlike FakeSigi, I pulled that off without profanity (came close at the end though). Regardless, I better put this literary license hat back in the closet now because it totally didn't fit me (ie. I suck at it) and kind of made me feel dirty wearing it.
I have started working on a serious followup to my original post, but it's going to be a while. Research takes more time than I have right now. It turns out taking literary license is much cheaper to do than investigative work, relatively speaking.