An Exclusive Interview with Internet Phenom @Pain_Machine

Editor's note: Nope, I really don't know who the man (or woman?) behind @pain_machine is. But apparently Andrew Winner of MLSSoccer.com does. If you're interested in what makes @pain_machine tick, give this a read. - Jeremiah

The best thing to come out of the Date With A Sounder ad campaign? Unquestionably, it’s the spontaneous creation of a Twitter account belonging to Jeff Parke’s dog, Pain Machine. The French bulldog Boston Terrier? has been gained a healthy Twitter following with his witty zingers and surprisingly astute observations.

Sparkles let me ask him a few questions last Tuesday while they scouted the ladies at Doggy Day Care.

Andrew Winner: Do you work for either Sounders FC or the Wexley School for Girls?

Pain Machine: Technically, all of our contracts are with MLS.

AW: Ha. But really...

PM: No. I'm a rogue agent. The closest I've been to anything official is chatting with a Sounders employee and a Wexley employee who were watching the TFC game when I overheard them mention the ad campaign.

via assets.sbnation.com

AW: Did you talk to them about @Pain_Machine?

PM: It came up in conversation, but I played it pretty Bruce Wayne and acted incredulous. "WHAT? A dog that tweets? That seems extremely far-fetched!!" At least I think that's what I did, it was Solstice and I was pretty drunk.

AW: Are you willing to divulge your secret identity?

PM: It's not a state secret or anything, but I don't think it would enhance anyone's experience and it could detract. It's easier to laugh at and applaud a puppy character than some random a--hole (or a very special a--hole, if you ask my mom).

AW: When did you get the idea to start this account?

PM: I thought the ads were hilarious, then Joshua Mayers tweeted that Terry Vaughn was going to be ref and he was waiting for the complaints. I was worried that I was spamming my regular Twitter account with too much Sounders stuff so... I started @Pain_Machine to make some cheap ref jokes.

AW: Which fan base do you like winding up the most?

PM: For me there are three teams that are special, for different reasons. LA I have a general dislike for, fueled mainly by them getting special treatment by the league and by the refs, and for having stars that aren't shy about exploiting that. And they beat us way too often. But I don't really care about their fans, my feelings there are pro-Cascadia and anti-fanboy refs.

The obvious answer is the Timbers, who I really love to hate. That's the rivalry that means the most to me, and has a lot of emotional investment. Outside of match week I'm a big fan of Portland (the city), and I have friends and family who are Timbers fans. I'd love to see them be doing better, just as long as they're behind us and don't win any head-to-head matches. I really do enjoy getting their fans worked up, although the typical #RCTID arguments (all Sounder support is some corporate plot, Seattle fans are plastic, scratch that, Seattle doesn't have fans, it has customers) are pretty boring. And anyone who thinks their tifo was in the same league as ours is delusional.

The third team has no redeeming qualities, and that's the Rapids. I felt this way before the Zakuani incident: that's a team of thugs. It's not a coincidence, it's systemic. They don't play physical, or 'chippy'— they play dirty and with the intent to injure.

After all the lip service they gave the Zakuani injury being an accident and totally unintentional, when they don't get a call against us on Saturday their next move is a studs-up tackle into Riley's ankle. That's not a fan base I want to wind up, that's a fan base I want to destroy. I want them gone.

I actually had a Rapids fan sitting in front of me at the game... usually I'm fine sitting with opposition, happy to just out-cheer them, but I was so angry watching their team assault our guys, without even drawing cards, after Friberg got socked in the junk I started commenting, loudly, that it's "No wonder their stadium's always empty, I'd be embarrassed to support a team like that. They're not even playing the game, it would be like wearing the jersey of a prison chain-gang" and so on and so forth. It may make me petty, but I'm okay with that.

AW: Refs seem to be a frequent target of your tweets...

PM: Well that's because ref jokes are easy. And because the refs are just really bad. I understand that it's not the easiest of jobs, and have definitely had my mind changed upon seeing something on instant replay, but they still do a good job of screwing it up. Plus, like I said, the jokes are cheap and easy.  Like Mrs. Terry Vaughn.

AW: What would you change if you were Commissioner for a day?

PM: First off I'd instate goal line referees. That seems like a no-brainer. Give the officiating crew a reverse angle on the most important part of the field that has the most obstructed views.

Next step I'd take is implementing retro-active yellow cards for dangerous play and for diving. I don't want instant replay in game, but if someone's taking a swing at someone's nether-regions or flopping it shouldn't go unpunished just because the ref didn't 1) happen to see it or 2) have the stones to pull a card. If you want to eliminate a behavior (assault, simulation, etc.) you need to be willing to review the tape, and I think those two cases should be singled out. Make it easier for the refs to do their job.

And assuming I don't have power to disband the Rapids and ban their entire coaching staff from the league, my last act would be to put Keller in the All Star Game and pay for a first-class ticket. Then throw an office party.

AW: The ref jokes have been made, so why are you still using @Pain_Machine?

PM: Twitter groupies.

Check out Pain Machine at http://www.twitter.com/#!/Pain_machine

Also be sure to check out Pain Machine's "Sound tweets" as heard on Nos Audietis.