If I had told you in February that, entering the KC game, the Sounders would have 6 points, you would've said, "Well, yeah, 3 points in the home opener against Montreal and 3 points against the Timbers at home. Duh." But when I reiterate that we have only 6 points entering that KC game, you would presumably had Hulk-smashed my body into the ground like I was an Asgardian demi-god.
There's no way the Sounders only have 6 points through the Philly game. It's not possible. Not after an offseason where majority owner Joe Roth said, (and I might be paraphrasing) "I have been to the future and I know the Sounders will win the 2013 MLS Cup. And I brought Future Adrian back to talk to Present Adrian so he knows exactly what will be done. Seattle sportsfans will suffer no more!"
But lo and behold, here we are, Cinco de Mayo is past and all my burps taste like margaritas made with regret, and the Sounders have 6 points. They have 2 points at home. Two! 2? Two! If I grabbed a random Sounders fan in 2012 and asked, "Quickly, how many wins do you expect the Sounders to have if they played three games at home versus the Impact, Timbers, and Revolution?" And they would undoubtedly say, "All of them!" All of them. What a stupid fan.
Here we are though, as a fan of the Mariners I should be used to this build up and let down, but like an idiot I keep coming back to the testicle-kicking machine, even though I know as soon as I put my quarter in, some boot is gonna appear and knock me to me knees. I should know better.
Is this a 5-year troll perpetrated by the Seattle Sounders front office to teach us humility or some other life lesson being a fan of the Mariners, Seahawks, or Sonics haven't already taught us every year of our lives ever? I'm not even gonna mention UW or WSU because we're masochistic enough already. Is Drew Carey gonna pop out of my closet when I get dressed in the morning, yell, "Gotcha!" and punch me in the face before running off? That's what it feels like.
But we have Obafemi Martins, Eddie Johnson, Steve Zakuani, Mario Martinez, Mauro Rosalez, and Sammy Ochoa! Sammy Ochoa! All those goals are ours. Our defense has that whole aura of awesome around it. Impenetrable. The Trojans! 99% effective against, um, hold on, I can make a joke out of this.
That Michael Jackson - Thriller offense is looking more like that Michael Jackson & Eddie Murphy - What's Up with You offense. And nobody wins when that happens. Our impregnable condom defense looks like the girls from The Pregnancy Pact. This wasn't supposed to happen! We're supposed to be good. We're supposed to be the best! Joe Roth. Promises. MLS Cup.
Is this what I get for caring? For loving the team? For creating hair dolls of Fredy Montero and Kasey Keller and craddling them to my bosom, nurturing them in an environment full of love and compassion and encouragement? Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me thirteen or fourteen more times, well, I'll still be coming back ready to be fooled.
The optimist would say, "But the Sounders have played 10 different lineups in 10 different games! Injuries! National team call ups!" Shut up, optimist, with your reason and logic and excuses! I've seen Sammy Ochoa eat school-buses full of naughty boys and girls*, he can singlehandedly devour an MLS defense in EJ's absence. And Zach Scott, he man-marks men out of existence, time-warping himself to their moment of conception and cockblocking the parents by showing the most gruesome birth scene ever filmed. We should still be undefeated! 21 Points, not 6!
So should I panic? Freddie left us, Kasey retired on us, Blaise quit on us, Alvaro pleaded to go to Chicago, Fredy was homesick, Christian death-stared us. Even Erik took his tacos and left. Erik! What hope is there? What exists when hope is gone? What's the absence of hope**? It probably doesn't exist, but if it did, it's creeping into my heart. And then the fucking Timbers have to go and be nice guys (of course Will Johnson got a red) and make us all look like selfish assholes. Is this real life? Bring me back to Earth-616!
If this was my fantasy baseball keeper league, I'd sell all but my best three (that's all the freeze players I get) for all the draft picks. But this is soccer/football/futbol/voetbalbond, not baseball, and there's no wish-granting genie waiting to give me unlimited wishes***. I want my Sounders back!
Oh, wait, what was that? The 9th best team last year won the MLS Cup? Oh. Okay. I feel better now.
* I haven't really seen Sammy eat children before. Don't go spreading that rumor.
** Google says it's something called hopelessness.
*** You can't wish for unlimited wishes. You have to wish for something similar to the ability to alter reality. It's a loophole.