The following contains all* the questions never asked about the Seattle Sounders.
*For size consideration, not all questions have been included. If there's a question you're dying to have answered, write it in the comments and I'll include it in the next iFAQ.
Q. Why do Americans call the sport soccer?
A. It was an Oxford term originating in the 1880s, from the abbreviation “Assoc. Football” to differentiate it from “Rugby Football's” “Ruggah.”
Q. Why do non-Americans call the sport football when the sport football already exists?
A. Because it’s actually played with your feet.
Q. The offsides rule: what even is that thing?
A. Offside is a law in association football which states that if a player is in an offside position when the ball is touched or played by a team-mate, they may not become actively involved in the play. A player is in an offside position if he or she is closer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second-to-last defender, but only if the player is in his opponent's half of the pitch. This is to avoid “cherry-picking” goals like this.
Q. But in that video the player wasn’t offside because it was a throw-in.
A. That’s not a question.
Q. What is a Sounder anyway?
A. Everybody knows what a Galaxy is or a Revolution, they even understand the concept behind a red colored bull, even if they’ve never exactly seen one before, but a Sounder is a colloquial term referring to someone who lives near the Puget Sound, which is an inlet of the Pacific Ocean and part of the Salish Sea located in Washington State. Seattle is a port city located on the shores of the Puget Sound. The Sounders play professionally in Seattle, ergo the Sounders are also located on the Puget Sound.
Q. But don’t the Sounders train at the VMAC? Isn’t that on Lake Washington and not on the Puget Sound?
A. No, they don’t train at the VMAC but on very rare occasions. Their actual training occurs at the Starfire Sports Complex in Tukwila, WA.
Q. Ha! Tukwila isn’t even next to water. You’re grasping for straws.
A. Sometimes they train on one of Paul Allen’s giant yachts when it’s docked in the Puget Sound.
Q. Speaking of Paul Allen, is it true that he really owns the two largest yachts in the world?
Q. Those a big yachts.
A. Yeah, that’s how they’re able to have a full-sized soccer pitch on them.
Q. But I thought you said they don’t really practice on his yachts?
A. That’s not a question either even if you did end it with a question mark.
Q. So then do they really practice on his yachts whilst they’re docked in the Puget Sound?
Q. What’s your favorite Joe Roth produced movie?
A. Major League.
Q. According to IMDB, which of his movies has the highest rating?
A. The Great Debaters, with a 7.5 rating.
Q. Is that the movie with Denzel Washington? That looks boring as shit.
A. I didn’t watch it, presumably because it’s boring as shit.
Q. Wait, does IMDB really say he was an uncredited producer for the movie LiTTLEMAN? The one where the Wayans Bro’s play babies and stuff?
A. To be fair, I wouldn’t want to attach my name to that project either.
Q. Do you think in the Owner’s Meetings Drew Carey starts spouting these crazy ideas one after another and everybody is like, “Okay, Drew, whatever”?
A. It was his idea to implement the flame throwers.
Q. Why haven’t the Sounders won the MLS Cup yet?
A. Like any playoff systems, there’s a lot of luck involved and the team needs to get hot at the right time. The Sounders, unfortunately, have been on the wrong side of luck and hotness it would seem.
Q. You mean like in 2009 when we played the Dynamo and Salazar didn’t play advantage when Jaqua scored a goal in a 1-on-1 against terrible-haircut-Pat-Onstad?
A. Yeah, like that.
Q. Or in 2011 when Beltran stopped that goal off the line with a jumping header even though he’s like 5’ tall?
A. That one too.
Q. Or in 2012 when the Galaxy had a clear handball in the box but didn’t get a Penalty called against them, but when Robbie Keane purposefully hits a ball off the hand of Adam Johannson they get a penalty called that stops all the momentum and our epic comeback?
A. Man, that one really sucked.
Q. Remember that offsides goal that we scored earlier in the game but Eddie wasn’t offside at all?
A. Don’t remind me.
Q. Come to think of that, didn’t we score a goal in the first 30 seconds in the 1st game of the 2010 series against Galaxy that was called offsides but wasn’t?
A. That was actually my first Sounders game. I went nuts after that goal that wasn’t.
Q. What’s the craziest you’ve ever gone at a Sounders game?
A. When Alonso scored his amazing goal at the end of the Seattle-Chicago USOC final in 2011. Watching that clip still gives me chills.
Q. That game was incredible; 0-0 late in the 2nd half even though the Sounders were dominating the whole time and you were thinking, “What if Chicago actually scores? We might actually lose.” Then Fredy scores and the place goes wild.
A. That’s the most electric sporting event I’ve ever been to in person.
Q. Just like the recent USMNT game against Panama, right?
A. I was so proud of Seattle for the crowd during that game, especially when juxtaposed against the listless crowd in Sandy, Utah.
Q. Speaking of Fredy, are you sad to see him potentially go to Europe?
A. Yes and no. I’m sad that he won’t be playing for the Sounders, as he was our first superstar who became famous because of his time with Seattle, not what he did prior. And no, because I’m proud of him and excited to see this man who’s blossomed before our eyes get a chance of his dreams. He deserves it.
Q. Is he your favorite former-Sounder?
Q. Who’s your least favorite MLS player?
A. Will Johnson.
Q. What about Steven Lenhart? He’s not your least favorite?
A. That’s tricky, because I loathe that man, but it’s different. Will Johnson is a very talented player and chooses to implement a high level of douchery in his game for seemingly no cause. Lenhart implements his shenanigans as part of a strategy. That gives Johnson the edge in my book.
Q. Aren’t Canadians supposed to be nice?
A. I guess not. Apparently their military is pretty badass too. Our neighbor to the north is full of surprises.
Q. Do you project the Sounders will make any moves during this transfer period?
A. It seems like they’re on the verge with Chen, but given the Montero transfer and the fact Mario will not be back with the team, AH has some (fun)money to spend. It would seem the Sounders are in a position to bring in some players, yes.
Q. What does AH stand for?
A. Adrian Hanauer. He’s the Sounders General Manager and a minority owner. He also owns Museum Quality Framing.
Q. Does it bother you that I ended that last question with a preposition?
Q. If you had to guess, who would grow the worst mustache on the Sounders?
A. Probably Andy Rose.
Q. What do you project for the Sounders for the remainder of the season?
A. I believe, without the distractions of the USOC and CCL, that the Sounders will become more cohesive and become one of the best teams in the league. They will make the playoffs and make a deep run.
Q. Does that mean you don’t think they’ll win the MLS Cup?
A. Winning the MLS Cup would constitute making a deep run.
Q. Do you think the Sounders will win the MLS Cup in 2013?
A. I believe they have the most talented team in the MLS. Barring injuries, I can easily imagine a future in which the Sounders are playing amazing soccer up to and throughout the playoffs and will win the MLS Cup, yes.
Q. Oh man, can you imagine what the atmosphere of that game would be like if the Sounders actually won the finals in Seattle?
A. We won’t have to imagine in only a few months. We’ll have our memories.
Q. Isn’t it awesome being a fan of the Sounders?
A. I love them. They have stolen my heart and my passion.