FanPost

Choose Your Own Adventure: Sounders Style

So you’re a fan of the Seattle Sounders. Congratulations! Not only do you appreciate quality, but you have a refined eye for taste and are presumably more attractive than those around you. But we Sounders fans are not all alike. Though we’re all intelligent and people always laugh the loudest at our jokes, as individuals we all are autonomous and make our own decisions. Some of those decisions can change the course of the world. Choose wisely.

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#1

You wake up. The sun is bright, shining through your blinds, right into your eyes. Chances are this is what woke you. It’s Saturday, you recall, and the Sounders play at 1pm. You check the clock and are relieved that there’s still plenty of time before the game starts. Enough time to where you could potentially get more sleep.

If you decide to sleep some more, go to #13.

If you decide to get out of bed, go to #20.

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#2

You throw your head back and down the shot of Jager. Your head spins. You close your eyes.

You open your eyes. Your equilibrium informs you that you’re horizontal. The floor is cold. It’s real tile. It feels good. The smell of vomit stings your nose. You hope it’s not yours. When you look down, the front of your jersey indicates that it is your vomit. You look elsewhere. You don’t recognize this bathroom.

You hear voices in another room through the closed bathroom door. You don’t recognize the voices. But there’s a window.

If you decide to escape through the window, go to #24.

If you decide to get up and exit the bathroom, go to #15.

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#3

You put away your laptop and rush to meet your friends at Occidental Park. However, when you arrive, everybody is gone. Everybody except the bums, that is. Several of them ask you for change, but you ignore them.

As you make your way to the stadium you see huge lines waiting to get through security. Apparently they still need furthering ironing out of the process. Knowing you’ll probably miss the first part of the game, you debate whether to hop into a bar.

If you decide to go to a bar, go to #5.

If you decide to wait in line, go to #28.

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#4

You decide your bladder can’t wait and you get up to go to the restroom. The line is long but eventually the first stall is available. You hop in there and start to relieve yourself. But before you are aware, a drunken fan bursts in and vomits all over you, your clothes, your hair, and most especially your unmentionables. The smell is horrific. Gasps of amazement come from the other restroom goers, as they gape at the drunk, your vomit covered nudity.

You struggle with whether you put your clothes on over the vomit, or prolong the nudity by wiping away the vomit, it’s just a mess any way you put it. Eventually you give up with the cleaning, give up on the game, and go home to wash and change. Disgusting.

Your adventure ends.

__________

#5

You leave the extremely long line and head to a nearby bar. The game is on all the TV’s when you enter. You order a couple beers and sit down to watch it. Pretty shortly the Sounders score a goal and the bar erupts in cheers. People drink in celebration. But after everybody downed their drink after the first goal, the Sounders score the most amazing goal right away. Some guy orders shots for the whole bar, and you down yours and order another. Pretty soon you get pretty tipsy. You start to get chummy with the guys next to you, always drinking something. Before you know it, there’s a shot of Jagermeister in front of you.

If you drink the Jagermeister, go to #2.

If you ignore the Jagermeister, go to #23.

__________

#6

You choose the yellow jersey to win. And it does! You celebrate in front of your friends who choose poorly. A very attractive, exotic looking model approaches you, impressed with your ability to accurately predict winners, assumes you must be a winner and an amazing person (You are a Sounders fan, afterall), and invites you to go to Paris with them. The flight leaves shortly. Surprisingly, you do have your passport with you.

If you choose to go to Paris with the model, go to #19.

If you choose to stay and finish watching the game, go to #26.

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#7

After showering and grabbing a quick bite to eat, you put on the Super Cyan kit. The collar on this jersey always bugged you, the way it wants to flip itself up, trying to inaccurately display to everybody just how cool you think you are, when in actuality you’re just too cool to be too cool (you are a Sounders fan, afterall), but you didn’t want to be outdated wearing the Nkufo jersey, especially now that Oba Martins wears the #9.

Now that you’re dressed, you’re ready to go meet your friends, but you might want to check out Sounder at Heart first, for last minute breaking news and excellent reporting and incredible insight and analysis and witty comments from handsome commentators.

If you go to Sounder at Heart, go to #22.

If you decide to meet your friends, go to #16.

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#8

You and your friends wait until the Sounders leave the field. You head off to a bar nearby and the mood is very pleasant, very lively. Some of your friends are noticeably drunker than the others. They want to go out to some more bars, but other friends of yours are hesitant and would rather go home. They know what those friends are like when they drink too much.

If you choose to go out with your drunk friends, go to #40.

If you choose to go home instead, go to #32.

__________

#9

You make it to Century Link field in plenty of time. In fact, there’s not even a queue for the bag-check and the wanding, so you make it through both in plenty of time. After getting your ticket scanned, you take the program as you’re early enough to actually read it this time. But you’re not sure if you should go to your seat to read it, or if you should wander around first.

If you go to your seat, go to #14.

If you wander around, go to #25.

__________

#10

You jokingly call your friend an asshole and move to punch them playfully in the arm, but when you plant your foot it slips on a rogue French fry, you fall hard to your knee and are filled with blinding white hot pain. You howl and fall onto your side, clutching your leg like an RSL player. Your concerned friend comes to help you but the pain is too great. Medical personnel come and take you away to the hospital.

You wait in the ER for a while but eventually are seen. You shattered your Patella bone. It’s a 6-8 week recovery time, you’re told. You wear a brace. You consider suing Century-Link Field, but that’s a dick move. Afterall, it was your fault for trying to punch your friend.

Your adventure ends.

__________

#11

You decline your friend’s offer and not 20 seconds after they depart do the Sounders score a goal. You celebrate wildly, your Super Cyan jersey’s collar popping itself to join the party. Play restarts and a minute later the Sounders score again! 2-0! Goal of the Year candidate, clearly. You scream a guttural battlecry of victory. The foes have fallen. You would’ve missed the most amazing goal you’ve ever seen in person.

Your friend returns, dejected and forlorn as they are recounted the tales of the two goals. Halftime hits. You have to pee but you might be too excited to leave and wait in line.

If you leave to go use the restroom, go to #4.

If you stay in your seat during halftime, go to #21.

__________

#12

You quickly stand up and move between the two combatants, but too late. A punch is thrown and hits you in the neck.

You come to with paramedics surrounding you and police in the background. You insist to them that you’re fine, but when you move it’s clear you’re not. You must have fallen and hit your head hard, and the paramedics confirm this suspicion. Your friend and the asshole supporter are being arrested, and you’re taken to the hospital for observations. You miss the game. But you hear that the Sounders won 2-0.

Your adventure ends.

__________

#13

You decide to fall back asleep. When you wake up, you turn to look at your clock, but the sun is shining so brightly on it, you can’t make out what time it is. Your phone is too far away to check it. You’re not sure if you should get out of bed to grab the phone or just fall back asleep again.

If you get out of bed, go to #31.

If you fall back asleep again, go to #17.

__________

#14

You arrive at your seat and sit down. The players are already warming up. You spot the starters and figure out who’s in the XI. As your friends show up, you mingle and chat with them, join in on some cheers and the boom boom clap. A few minutes after kickoff your friend invites you to tag along to the concession stands and you do notice a small rumble in your stomach.

If you go to concessions with your friend, go to #29.

If you stay and watch the game, go to #11.

__________

#15

You warily get up off the floor, and open the door. The two voices stop as they see you exit the bathroom. One person clearly disapproves of your live decisions. The other drunkenly gives you googly-eyes. You don’t know either of them. The decorations in this apartment are sparse, though there is a lemon tree in front of the window.

The drunk one makes a move to you, but the other person stops them and says, “No, seriously, don’t.” You awkwardly walk through their apartment and exit the front door, determined to make your way home, which you end up doing. You don’t puke on the way home. You’re proud of yourself for that one.

Your adventure ends.

__________

#16

You decide against Sounder at Heart, as you want to participate in the March to the Match. You arrive at a bar near Occidental Park where you know your friends will be. They greet you and you have a quick drink. A supporter for the other team makes a joke about how stupid your Super Cyan jersey looks. One of your friends stands up to defend you and the support stands up too. It looks like punches are about to be exchanged right next to you.

If you move to break up the fight, go to #12.

If you let your friend knock out the supporter, go to #27.

__________

#17

Your grogginess gets the best of you and you fall back asleep again before you get out of bed. When you wake up, the sun is in a different position, and you can clearly see the clock now. You’ve missed the game. You’re a bad fan.

You decide to hop on Sounder at Heart and jump on the gamethread, posting comments lamenting your unfortunate sleepytime accidents. People rightfully deride you. You’re a bad fan, prioritizing a second morning nap over the Sounders.

Your adventure ends.

__________

#18

You pick Blue. Yellow wins, but at least Blue came in second. Nobody amongst your friends chose Yellow, so there’s no obnoxious gloating. You see a very exotic looking model walk past, and you follow their path. They obviously ignore you.

The second half of the game isn’t as exciting as the first half, but the Sounders are never threatened and win 2-0. Now that the game has ended, your friends invite you out to get celebratory drinks.

If you choose to go out with your friends, go to #8.

If you decline the offer for drinks, go to #32.

__________

#19

You decide to leave with the model, eschewing your friends, the Sounders, and responsibility. While riding in first class, you engage in conversation with your new paramour. Quickly you realize their grasp on the English language is tenuous at best and that they’re actually quite vapid. You regret your decision. However, during the polar flight, the pilot and copilot both fall asleep due to a lack of oxygen in the cockpit. The plane careens into a nosedive and crashes in a spectacular fireball.

While you barely survive the initial crash, the secondary explosion scatters parts of you all over the Canadian wilderness. The polar bears are pleased.

Your adventure ends.

__________

#20

Opening the blinds, the sky is a brilliant blue, the kind Seattle-ites boast about, but keep a secret from the rest of the world. “Best Summers in America,” you brag to yourself. But you realize you’re naked and flashing the neighborhood. That just won’t do for your delicate sensibilities. It’s time to get dressed.

You put on a pair of pants, but decide that shorts might be the best option. It might be hot today and the upward flowing breeze might be a godsend. But you only have two clean Sounders jerseys, a Rave Green #9 Nkufo and a non-numbered Super Cyan.

If you put on the Nkufo jersey, go to #35.

If you put on the Super Cyan jersey, go to #7.

__________

#21

You stay in your seat and watch the two men dribble soccer balls in an uncoordinated race, curious if one of them will fall. They don’t. Some guy from Redmond wins. Then the Race-To-The-Goal plays on the big screen.

If you choose red to win, go to #38.

If you choose blue to win, go to #18.

If you choose yellow to win, go to #6.

__________

#22

You log into SBN and head over to Sounder at Heart. Once there you click on the Three Questions link and see if any of your comments garnered any recs. They didn’t. You click on some of the other stories, head to the gamethread and post a few comments, engage in some light-hearted “we’re gonna win” banter. All around it’s a great experience and you’re glad you decided to hop on the site. But now it might be too late to meet up with your friends.

If you decide to forgo meeting with your friends and go to the gate anyway, go to #9.

If you decide to try and meet up with your friends anyway, go to #3.

__________

#23

You ignore the Jager and make your way to the stadium at halftime. You put on your best “I’m not drunk” face as you make your way to your seat. Once there your friends greet you and you hug each and every one of them. You are handed a beer, which you down with aplomb.

You have no idea what is happening with the game, but with the sun beating down on you, plus your drunken state, you feel like getting undressed.

If you decide to go streaking, go to #39.

If you keep your clothes on, go to #30.

__________

#24

You open the window and squeeze through. You’re on some sort of fire escape, which clangs loudly at your footfall. You comically flinch to the noise, but you try to be extra careful to be quiet as you climb down to the street below. Once there you trip on the curb and fall back against the side of a building, slumped.

You take time to regroup yourself and someone drops some coins at your feet. You retch onto the sidewalk. People avoid you. A police officer eyeballs you, considering whether they want to do the necessary paperwork to arrest you.

If you decide to collect the coins and leave, go to #34.

If you decide to slump on your side and let the world swirl around you, go to #41.

__________

#25

With your program in hand, you wander around the stadium. You visit the new Pro-Shop and buy a new Scarf. It’s pretty hot to wear two scarves, but you do it anyway. You buy a beer and some food and head back to your seat. You arrive at the same time as your friends.

The game kicks off and it’s clear the Sounders are dominating. Within moments the Sounders score a goal. You celebrate wildly, your Super Cyan jersey’s collar popping itself to join the party. Play restarts and a minute later the Sounders score again! 2-0! Goal of the Year candidate, clearly. You scream a guttural battlecry of victory.

Non-stop action littered the rest of the first half, but no goals. Halftime hits and you really have to pee, but you’re not sure if you want to leave and wait in line.

If you leave to go use the restroom, go to #4.

If you stay in your seat during halftime, go to #21.

__________

#26

You decline the model’s invitation, much to the amazement of your friends. One of them offers to take your place, but the model ignores the request and walks away.

The second half of the game isn’t as exciting as the first half, but the Sounders are never threatened and win 2-0. Now that the game has ended, your friends invite you out to get celebratory drinks.

If you choose to go out with your friends, go to #8.

If you decline the offer for drinks, go to #32.

__________

#27

You let your friend take care of themselves, they’re a grown up afterall. But before any punches are thrown, someone pulls the other supporter away and all is avoided. That escalated quickly but thankfully nobody was hurt. You and your friends leave the bar and mill around until the march starts.

You sing along with the songs you know and hum the tunes when you don’t know the words. You make it to your seat without much issue. The players are already warming up. You spot the starters and figure out who’s in the XI. You mingle and chat with your friends, join in on some cheers and the boom boom clap. A few minutes after kickoff your friend invites you to tag along to the concession stands and you do notice a small rumble in your stomach.

If you go to concessions with your friend, go to #29.

If you stay and watch the game, go to #11.

__________

#28

You skip going to the bar. You don’t much feel like drinking so soon after waking up. The lines take some time to get through, and during your wait, you hear a couple raucous celebrations from inside the stadium. You finally arrive to your seat and are able to join your friends. The score is 2-0. Half-time hits.

You watch the two men dribble soccer balls in an uncoordinated race, curious if one of them will fall. They don’t. Some guy from Redmond wins. Then the Race-To-The-Goal plays on the big screen.

If you choose red to win, go to #38.

If you choose blue to win, go to #18.

If you choose yellow to win, go to #6.

__________

#29

You accept your friend’s request and get up from your seat. You hurriedly walk so as to miss the smallest amount of action possible. Merely twenty seconds after leaving, while walking down the tunnel into the concourse, the stadium erupts in cheers. You groan as you missed the first goal. It happens. Knowing that play won’t resume immediately, you go to order garlic fries and a beer. And as you finish your order, you hear the crowd erupt again. This time it’s pandemonium. You turn to look for a monitor, any monitor, but you can’t see any. Your friend looks at you sheepishly.

If you punch your friend, go to #10.

If you groan and accept your food in defeat, go to #36.

__________

#30

You mention to your friends how much fun it’d be to go streaking, but they wisely talk you out of it and take your beer away. You pout for a bit, but you get over it when you’re distracted by a plane in the sky. Eventually the Sounders win and one of your friends takes you back to their place where they can watch over you until you sober up.

Your adventure ends.

__________

#31

You get out of bed and block the sun that’s making it impossible to see what time it is. The clock clear reads that you’re boned, you’re gonna be late if you don’t book it. You get dressed in a hurry, wearing your Super Cyan jersey because your Nkufo one fills you with an unhappy feeling, and bolt out the door.

When you arrive at the stadium, the lines to get through security are massive, and they seem to be moving at the pace when the wands were first introduced. You consider hopping into a bar to catch the first bit of the game.

If you decide to go to a bar, go to #5.

If you decide to wait in line, go to #28.

__________

#32

You reach home without incident. By now you really need to use the restroom. You grab your laptop to take into the bathroom with you and read the Sounder at Heart gamethread until your legs go numb.

It’s been a pleasant day so far. It’s good to be a Sounders fan.

Your adventure ends.

__________

#33

You look around you suspiciously. You don’t remember ordering a Jager shot. You hate Jager. You flag down the bartender and order a big glass of water. They oblige. You drink it thirstily, even though your bladder is already full up. You order some food and eat it down.

You sing more songs with your friends as you progressively sober up. After some time you invite the drunkest back to your place to sleep it off. They decline and you all part ways.

You make it home without incident, read Sounder at Heart, and lay down to take a late evening nap.

Your adventure ends.

__________

#34

You wipe the vomit from your mouth and collect the assembled coins. Bus fare. You stagger to a bus stop and a passenger in a car driving by shouts, “Go Sounders!” at you. You reply with an incoherent, “Woo!” punctuated by a puke-burp. Squinting at the bus schedule, you amazingly plot your route and wait for the correct bus.

All turns out well, although people do give you a pitying glance or two, but you eventually make your way home where you strip off your filthy clothes and take a cold shower.

Your adventure ends.

__________

#35

You put on the Nkufo jersey. But you realize it was a bad decision. You should wear the Super Cyan. Really though, you should do laundry more often so that you have a wider selection of clean clothes from which to choose. You take off the Nkufo jersey and contemplate whether you should do laundry or not.

If you decide to do laundry, go to #37.

If you decide to put on the Super Cyan jersey, go to #7.

__________

#36

You shake your head at your friend and take the food from the vendor. You head back to your seat where your other friends regale you with the glory that was the second goal. You mention you missed the first goal too. Your food tastes bitter. It wasn’t worth it.

Halftime hits. You have to pee but after missing the goals, you might not want leave and wait in line.

If you leave to go use the restroom, go to #4.

If you stay in your seat during halftime, go to #21.

__________

#37

You gather all your dirty clothes, your laptop, your laundry detergent, and a new roll of quarters. With an overstuffed laundry basket you make your way to the community laundry room. Instead of going to the game you spend the next few hours on the Sounder at Heart gamethread, keeping up with the game action, and making your clothes clean. It’s a boring Saturday overall, skipping the game, but at least you won’t be wearing filthy clothes anymore.

Your adventure ends.

__________

#38

You pick Red. Yellow wins. Red was the be eliminated. Your friends tease you, even though nobody picked Yellow. You see a very exotic looking model walk past, and you follow their path. They obviously ignore you.

The second half of the game isn’t as exciting as the first half, but the Sounders are never threatened and win 2-0. Now that the game has ended, your friends invite you out to get celebratory drinks.

If you choose to go out with your friends, go to #8.

If you decline the offer for drinks, go to #32.

__________

#39

You whisper loudly to your friends that you’ll be back but to make sure to watch. You make your way down to field level where you jump the fence and start running. Two security personnel are on you fast, but with your weaving, they bump into each other. With the brief moment of respite you rip off your jersey and hop out of your shorts, naked as the day you were born.

The sun shining off your “Seattle Tan” creates a flash of brilliance that temporarily blinds all those in attendance. You’re able to navigate your way down a tunnel, where all the onlookers are still momentarily stunned from the flashbang of your skin.

You become lost in the labyrinthine dungeon that is the bowels of Century-Link. Days pass, weeks, months. Support staff reports seeing or hearing a ghost at times. Slowly you wither away and die in a dark corner, alone and naked.

Your adventure ends.

__________

#40

Before you know it, you’ve hit a couple more bars than you intended, and you’re taking more shots than you realize. The world is spinning. You close your eyes and enjoy the ride, but the pervasive sense of bile at the back of your throat is always threatening to spoil it.

Your friends are just as drunk. They start singing Sounders songs and some of the other patrons join in but with less gusto and more precision. Magically a shot of Jagermeister appears before you.

If you drink the Jagermeister, go to #2.

If you ignore the Jagermeister and order a water instead, go to #33.

__________

#41

You lay down on your side, dejected. The vomit is really close to your face. It smells awful. A puke-burp comes from nowhere and you can’t stop it, so you throw-up again. A little girl screams and cries. The police officer has had enough, and comes and picks you up. You blackout again.

When you wake, you’re in a drunk tank. You haven’t been in one of these for a while, but you feel sober enough. The police release you without any penalty other than damaged pride.

Your adventure ends.

__________

#42

You realize that this entry isn't associated with any other entries, merely it's an answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

FanPosts only represent the opinions of the poster, not of Sounder at Heart.

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