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The MLS (Messed-up Lock Syndrome) HAIR REPORT

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Akeem Samuels and Stephen Roshenshein

Many question the style of American Soccer, whether it’s the lack of talent, slow play on the field, or the overall inconsistency of the on-field product, many hate on the MLS. But, should hair be an issue? Certainly not. An American league should be able to operate without Eurotrash mullets, girly looking men with long hair, limp afros, frosted tips and ugly mops.

I know the MLS salaries are piss-poor, but even I can afford a hair cut on $30K a year. Supercuts has weekly specials and repeat customer discounts! The following players have been warned: cut it or be gutted.

In the words of the immortal, talented and schizophrenic singer-songwriter Wesley Willis, (known for his hit songs "I whooped Batman's ass" and "I whooped Superman's ass"):

"Get the rat's nest off your head
Get that crazy-ass mother off your skull
Take your ass to the barber shop
Tell the barber that you're sick of looking like an asshole"

Please let us know if you disagree with any of the choices and be sure to include your own if we left anyone off.

Coolio Rating System (Dedicated to the one and only Gangsta in Paradise):

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ALL-COOLIO STARTING XI

Mug Profile
xavier_abel-galaxy.jpg Name: Abel Xavier

Club: LA Galaxy

Hairstyle: European flair. The MLS could use more of that on the field, not so much with the hair. Some reports indicate that his hair has led directly to Xavier's new habit of falling over when contesting crosses and getting shaken by MLS attackers.

Rating:
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gallardo-marcelo-united.jpg Name: Marcel Gallardo

Club: DC United

Hairstyle: Luscious flowing mane of Argentinean grease. If the MLS stint doesn't work out, and no team in South America wants you, with that Ron Jeremy-like doo, you have a serious future in the porn industry. "Gallardo's Guilty Pleasures: Going for Goal, Vol. 1"

Rating:
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kyle-beckerman-rsl.jpg Name: Kyle Beckerman

Club: Real Salt Lake

Hairstyle: "Hey dude bro do you still have my Half Baked DVD bro dude?" White people should not have dreadlocks, PERIOD. Furthermore, we all love dreads, but only when they’re properly taken care of and cleaned on a regular basis. Kyle, you can learn a thing or two...buy a dread cleaning monkey.


Rating:

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gonzalo-peralta-united.jpg Name: Gonzalo Peralta

Club: DC United

Hairstyle: With 20 plus goals for Liverpool this year.... oh wait, you are not Fernando Torres.

Rating:
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kljestan_sacha-chivas.jpg Name: Sacha Kljestan

Club: Chivas USA

Hairstyle: Emo, it is like punk for pussies. Congratulations though, your good form as of late qualifies you for complimentary free hair plugs and a lifetime supply of extensions.

Rating:
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justin-hughes-rapids.jpg Name: Justin Hughes

Club: Colorado Rapids

Hairstyle: Not even the alien parasite disguised as his hair could propel Justin to the starting GK spot for his squad.

Rating:
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juan-toja-fc-dallas.jpg Name: Juan Toja

Club: FC Dallas

Hairstyle: Juan is "The Man." So much so that they have Toja Wig Night in Dallas. But in the words of my man Wesley Willis “Get the rat's nest off your head!”

Rating:
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kheli-dube-revs.gif Name: Kheli Dube

Club: NE Revolution

Hairstyle: There is only one Coolio. The rest are cheap imitators.

Rating:
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gavin-clinton-sj.jpg Name: Gavin Clinton

Club: San Jose Earthquake

Hairstyle: Predator braids in the NFL=billy badass. Predator braids in MLS=really??!?!

Rating:
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kai-kasiguran-fire.jpg Name: Kai Kasiguran

Club: Chicago Fire

Hairstyle: It's freaking cold in Chicago and there are not any real beaches. However, if you are ever sitting pool side in Chi-town and need a cabana boy to bring you Tom Collins or a Margarita, Kais got it for you.

Rating:
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jaime-moreno-united.jpg Name: Jaime Moreno

Club: DC United

Hairstyle: Silly hall-of-famer, frosted tips are for kids!!! Jager bombs? JAGER BOMBS!!!

Rating:
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HEAD COACH
ruud.jpg Name: Ruud Gullit

Club: LA Galaxy

Hairstyle: ‘Ruud’ awakening? God bless his soul, but Rick James wants his hair back. While it is an old photo of the Dutch Master, I could not let this one slip through the cracks.

Rating:
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