Five games down in the preseason, our boys are 4-1, and my gut says Yessssss!
Because wins are great, right? I mean, if we're winning in the preseason, then we're obviously going to win in the actual season season. Or so I used to think, before I became a hardcore MLS fan and actually started analyzing these things.
Because seriously, is there an MLS side in history that's ever had a losing preseason? (Serious question. Anybody?) Preseasons are generally cobbled together with a couple of matches with unformed MLS sides, and then filled out with USL, PDL and college teams. Practically every single MLS match could go either way, and the other games are definitely weighted in the MLS team's favor. Whicn generally leads to a winning preseason record.
This leaves every preseason MLS fan with:
a) a hugely bloated sense of what his/her team can do, and
b) a desire to apply the transitive property to all the matches to determine what will really be up with the team this season.
(Transitive Property of Equality: If a = b and b = c, then a = c. This is a property of equality and inequalities.)
And never mind the fact that ever single mathematical discussion of the Transitive Property warns against applying it to things like soccer. You know you do it anyway.
Case in point: We just beat the hapless Vancouver Whitecaps, 4-0. We recently beat the LA Galaxy, 3-1. And a year ago, I attended a butt-numbingly boring nil-nil between Vancouver and LA.** Consequently, if we beat the Whitecaps, and we beat the Galaxy, and the Galaxy and the Whitecaps drew (even though they had Beckham)? I'm pretty sure we'll totally kick ass this season.
Except!!! that we lost the the San Jose Earthquakes, 3-2. And San Jose was the only team who sucked worse than the Galaxy last season! Which means... Oh dear lord, we're headed to the bottom of the Western Conference.
My brain hurts.
The moral of this story? Don't attempt to apply the Transitive Property to soccer.
**Instead, reflect here on the only interesting moment of the Vancouver-LA Game, as shown below. And also reflect on the fact that fully clothed pitch invaders are always taken down and hustled out immediately. The naked ones, though? They always get some extra time, as the security guys draw straws to see who gets the unlucky duty. And the unlucky draw-er of the short straw thinks, "Shit. What part of his body can I touch that will take him down without...you know..." And in the meantime the naked guy is running around the field with his black sweat pants dragging off of one leg.
I am so ready for the season to start.
P.S. I should probably put an NSFW disclaimer in here, except that... Well, seriously, do you see anything?