Have you ever noticed that coaches are really, really good at speaking a lot while saying nothing? At sounding like they're letting you in on every little aspect of their decision-making process, even though you're going to be walking away barely knowing more than you did when they started?
There's a reason for this. When they get hired on as coaches, they are required to learn a special language: Coachese.
But you're in luck, because I found the special Babelfish add-on that gives me access to the Coachese-to-English translator program. So let's take a look at what the coaches really mean in their press conferences, shall we?
Coach Jason Kreis, after RSL's 4-1 USOC defeat at the hands of the Sounders. What he said in Coachese:
"It's important for everyone to remember that it is still a young season, we have several games left to accomplish our goals. Tonight we played a lot of guys that hadn't had extensive minutes in their previous opportunities, and to be honest, tonight they didn't make the most of this opportunity."
What he meant, in English:
"Wow. We really suck on the road. P.S. Is my jaw still chiseled? When my jawline starts to go, I'm totally getting lipo. And that Kyle Beckerman is so cool. I wonder if I could grow my hair like his? Maybe then he'd hang out with me."
Sigi, after the same game, in Coachese:
"So, obviously, [Sebastien Le Toux] had a very good game, with his two goals, [Sanna] Nyassi, causing a lot of problems, but I also thought Ianni and King played very well in the middle of midfield, kept things together for us pretty much. It was nice to have Taylor Graham back out there."
English translation:
Oh, damn. What's that one kid's name? Seattle guy? Had a good game? Used to have a moustache? Robert...Roderick...LeDreck...LeMec...? Shit. I should have taken my gingko today. Maybe if I don't mention him, nobody will notice.
Sigispeak:
The reason to have depth, more than any other reason, is you want to have good practices, and the deeper you are, the more competitive practices are, and the better the practices are, the better you're going to be in games. So if you just had 11 really good players and the other guys weren't very much, then we wouldn't be a very good team.
English translation:
"Think this game is going to get you Reserve guys a start on Saturday? Dream on, suckas. Like I'm gonna mess with what worked last week."
Sigispeak:
"Riley is pretty fit. I think I said to him that the last 20 minutes, he tried to kick back a little bit on the field, for sure, as well. That's why they got behind us a few times on that side."
English:
"You Riley-haters can just shut up now. We totally meant to do that."
Sigispeak:
"You can't expect a game to go by where the other team doesn't get any chances. So you got to make sure that you stop them, and you got to make sure that you bury yours when you get yours. I think that's what we did tonight."
English translation:
"Thank gawd for that Coaches' Handbook chapter on 'Effective Use of Coaching Cliches.' Can I go home now? I hope we're having schnitzel."