I bought a bag of Laffy Taffy last night, not to hand out to children on Halloween, but to eat. This candy fills me with many mixed emotions; while the candy itself is delicious, it comes with some truly wretched jokes on the wrappers. Also, it's made by Willy Wonka company, who I share a hate-hate relationship with stemming from a letter I wrote them as a teenager to try to get a lifetime supply of Nerds for free. But, again, I love the candy, so I'm torn.
In a similar manner, I don't know if you guys heard, but the Sounders qualified for the 2013 playoffs last night. That's pretty awesome, right? Doesn't it feel good! Yeah! One step closer to the MLS Cup!
What did King Tut say when he got scared?
I want my mummy!
The Sounders started off the 2013 season a little slowly. If that's understating it, sure, I guess, I'll buy that. 2 points out of 15 is a little underwhelming, you're right. And sure, juxtapose that start to the Sounders current form of 2 points out of 18, that doesn't look good. That actually looks really really bad. You can chose 11 games, almost a third of the season, and to get 4 points, just 4, that's the mark of a team that's pretty heinous.
What do you call a grizzly bear standing in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
But that's looking at the Micro, right? The Micro looks bad. Have you ever looked at a fresh mountain spring, looking so crystal clear and refreshing? Amazing. Have you seen that same water under a microscope? Horror show. Micro = bad? Macro = good?
What kind of chain is edible?
A food chain!
Think of the bigger picture. If on March 1st, we were told that the Sounders would earn enough points through September to lock up a playoff spot, we would've been thrilled. Who needs competitive Regular Season October games anyway. Let's use that time to get healthy and look forward to the MLS Cup. That's really what matters, right? Sure, the Supporter's Shield is all well and good and allows us as fans to puff out our chest and declare our best over the course of an (un)even schedule. But there's no glory, no accolades. No San Jose fan tells their grandchildren, "We won the 2012 Supporter's Shield and it was joy incarnate." "But Grandpa," their imaginary grandchild would reply, "the Galaxy won the Cup and I don't know what a Supporter's Shield is. I'm 6."
How do billboards talk?
MLS Cup or bust. That's what Joe Roth said, verbatim I'm sure, and no, I won't look that up. I'm pretty sure Sigi said something along the lines of winning the MLS Cup is akin to breathing; if we don't do it, we die. That goal is still alive. MLS Cup or bust.
What did the horse say when he tripped?
Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy-up!
Seriously. After this Sunday's game against LA Galaxy, the regular season is over. The Sounders made the playoffs, one of 10 teams to do so. Slate wiped clean. MIB memory eraser thingy. Nicolas Sparks's The Vow. 50 First Dates. Fresh starts! All teams start on even footing come the playoffs, and we're in it. That's what we all wanted.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter!
Well, it's not exactly all that we wanted. We wanted to be CCL Champions. But we got past Tigres in an awesome series. Seriously! First MLS team to eliminate a Mexican team. That was incredible. We wanted to be LHUSOC Champs, and well, that fell flat on its face. The hope for every team, for every fanbase, is that their team never loses again. And just like my FIFA career mode, I want these games to be 9-0 drubbings. I get pissed off when I only win 3-1. That's not the reality though. In order to truly experience and appreciate the highs, we must live through the lows.
How do small children travel?
In a mini-van!
The reality is that the main goal of the season was to win the MLS Cup. In order to accomplish that, the Sounders must first make the playoffs. They did that. They could still finish first in the West despite looking like a turd with sticks for feet for the past month. You can polish a turd. I've seen Mythbusters do it.
When is a boxer like an astronomer?
When he sees stars!
Your 2013 Seattle Sounders - Polished Turds - Laffy Taffy - MLS Cup or Bust!
Which city do people who talk a lot live?
Wait, that joke sucks! That's not even a joke. Is this a play on the Tower of Babel? Or are they using Babylon homonymous with "babble on"? Either way that's terrible. And the question isn't even grammatically correct. "Which city do people who talk a lot live?" You could at least put "...live in?" at the end, or if you don't want to end the sentence with a preposition, "In which city do people who talk a lot live?" would suffice. Damnit! I hate Laffy Taffy jokes. Thanks a lot, Jeremy K. from Wenatchee, WA. Wait, Wenatchee? If only...