Before we start, it's important to take time today to remember the valiant soldiers of the Rebel Alliance who made it possible for us to watch soccer today. On this May Fourth, MLS is honoring their sacrifice with wall-to-wall "May the Forth be With You" coverage. The most interesting of which is the comparison between MLS clubs and the heroes and villains of the great Star Wars. Earlier this week the Admiral Ackbars went into Kashyyyk and dueled to a draw with the Chewbaccas. The battle was hard to follow (nothing but grunts and declarations of entrapment). Today, Yoda goes on the road to take on Leia. Anything but a slaughter would be an upset. Little short to be stormtroopers, we are.
Columbus Crew-New York Red Bulls (R2D2 vs Luke Skywalker)
One would think that a famed Jedi wouldn't have any issue putting away an Astromech Droid, but R2 showed to be pretty indestructable over the years. A few zaps of it's taser might decommission Skywalker's hand, resulting in impotency from the force's greatest ally (he never learned to go southpaw).
San Jose Earthquakes-Montreal Impact (C-3PO vs Han Solo)
So, we've got a golden-domed droid that complains incessantly and falls apart at the slightest push, up against the biggest badass in the history of badassery. It's not hard to figure out how this matchup will end. Han will shoot first, and he'll shoot again and again, just to make sure it's dead.
Colorado Rapids-Toronto FC (Qui-Gon Jinn vs Grand Moff Tarkin)
Grand Moff Tarkin is most well known for his failure to destroy the Rebel Alliance when his "unstoppable" battle station was blown up by a kid in a one-man fighter. In other words, epic failure. I don't know that he stands much of a chance against one of the greatest Jedi in history.
6:00pm GAME OF THE WEEK
Real Salt Lake-Vancouver Whitecaps (Amidala vs Jabba the Hut)
I know what you're thinking. A matchup between a princess and a giant slug doesn't seem to be the most compelling of matchups. Sure, Amidala's daughter ultimately killed the most famous hut by strangling him with her slave chain. Ultimately though, I see the Hut escaping Naboo with at least a point.
Sporting KC-Chivas USA (Lando Calrissian vs Darth Vader)
The battle of the traitors, triple-crossers, and all around scalawags. Let's recall that in the
movies historical documents, Lando's firepower was so great as to cause the Death Star to be blown sky-high. The shields just weren't adequate to stop the attack of the Millennium Falcon.
LA Galaxy-Houston Dynamo (Emperor Palpatine vs Wedge Antilles)
Wedge might have a chance back on his home planet of Tatooine, but won't have much of a chance while Palpatine's station (Donovan, Keane, etc) is fully operational.
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Boba Fett, and a horde of AT-AT pilots have the week off, presumably facing off in the afterlife.