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The Ultimate MLS Cup Playoff Prediction

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The MLS Cup Playoffs are upon us. Which cream will rise to the top?

Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports

Congratulations, Seattle Sounders and their attractive fans. You've won the Supporter's Shield! Assuredly 18 other teams are envious, but half of those teams now have a chance to be crowned champions over Seattle in this year's addition of the MLS Cup Playoffs! Starting Wednesday with Vancouver Whitecaps visiting FC Dallas, this new version of the playoffs aims to be much better than previous versions, which shouldn't be too hard because Portland wasn't invited.

But who are the favored teams? Who will win? It'd be easy to say Seattle, but I consulted science and history to determine the route the playoffs would take. No, I didn't bury my head in books with a lab coat and beakers next to me, instead I used analogous figures from a galaxy far, far away. And this lead me to the key of these playoffs.

Which Star Wars villain best represents each playoff team?

It's a simple question easily, one that answers itself naturally, and as a result, I was able to take bias, emotions, injuries, and statistics out of the equation. Instead it's just a one on one battle that should have one winner and one loser.

The Teams

Western Conference
  • Seattle Sounders
  • LA Galaxy
  • Real Salt Lake
  • FC Dallas
  • Vancouver Whitecaps

Eastern Conference

  • DC United
  • New England Revolution
  • Columbus Crew
  • New York Red Bulls
  • Sporting Kansas City

The Characters


Seattle Sounders - Darth Vader

Darth Vader is a very powerful individual and everybody knows it. He's never been top dog, but he could if he just took the opportunity. Sometimes he doesn't get the respect he deserves for his sorcerous ways, and when that's a case he just mind-chokes a bitch. He gets his way eventually, even though there might be some ups and downs along the way.

LA Galaxy - The Emperor

Nobody likes the Emperor, but you can't deny the dude's extremely powerful. Facing off against the Emperor usually results in a one way trip to the space morgue. There are even hints that he has a secret to immortality, which could make this extremely worthy foe just that much more dangerous. But goodness, you can't help but hate him.

Real Salt Lake - Darth Maul

Darth Maul is potent and everybody knows it. Lose focus for one moment and you've got a lightsaber through your gut, and that's a good way to turn a good day into a bad one real fast. But he can be beaten.

FC Dallas - Jar Jar Binks

Jar Jar Binks is probably the worst villain ever created. His ability to elicit anger from all those who watch him is otherworldly. He's annoying, his own kind outcast him, and he's easily manipulated. The world would be better off if he never existed.

Vancouver Whitecaps - Stormtroopers

Individually a stormtrooper is nothing to worry about, but get 11 or 14 in a group and they're still probably not that dangerous. There's not a lot to them, not a lot of character, just nameless faceless organizations that are easily tricked and shouldn't pose much of a threat ever.

DC United - George Lucas

George Lucas had his heyday a long time ago, and it was a very good heyday. Since then he's been trying to rekindle his glory day to varying successes. Some of them are decent. Some of them are really, truly awful. But you never know with him. He's capable of great things. Terrible, yes, but great.

New England Revolution - Boba Fett

Everybody seems to really like Boba Fett, even though he hasn't accomplished anything ever. There seems to be a lot of hype around him that he's never earned. He doesn't do anything spectacular and always seems to be the lackey of some truly evil and rotten dudes.

Columbus Crew - Sarlacc

Have you ever been to Columbus? Yeah, it's exactly like experiencing a thousand years of pain and suffering.

New York Red Bulls - Jabba the Hutt

Historically gluttonous with a penchant for fancy, extravagant things. Jabba is a nasty dude who, if you crossed him, would freeze you in carbonite, throw you in a rancor pit, or enslave you and make you wear skimpy clothes that are very demeaning.

Sporting Kansas City - General Grievous

General Grievous is dangerous, very dangerous. But he's also kind of a dick. He's had a string of success and has a bit of an ego as a result. It'll be tough to take him down.

The Matchups

Knockout Round

  • Jar Jar Binks vs Stormtroopers

Have you ever seen a Stormtrooper shoot? He can't hit shit. Jar Jar Binks, on the other hand, aided in the fight during the Invasion of Naboo. He was also the senator responsible for giving The Emperor unending term limits. So thanks for that, Jar Jar. You're the worst, but if you could clumsily defeat a droid army, who's programmed to aim properly, you can definitely defeat Stormtroopers. Jar Jar Binks!

  • Jabba the Hutt vs General Grievous
Do you see all those lightsabers Jabba the Hutt doesn't have? Do you see all those lightsabers General Grievous does have? Yeah. General Grievous!


Conference Semifinals

  • The Emperor vs Darth Maul
The master faces the pupil. All The Emperor would need to do would be to telegraph his telepathy very blatantly and he'll dispatch Darth Maul in no time. One's all-powerful while the other is learning how to be all-powerful from the all-powerful one. The Emperor!

  • Darth Vader vs Jar Jar Binks
Have you ever seen what a giant mallet does to a watermelon? Or accidentally stepped on an ant? Yeah... Darth Vader!

  • Boba Fett vs Sarlacc

Sarlacc!

  • George Lucas vs General Grievous
While General Grievous is powerful and potent, George Lucas can just simply Ctrl+F "General Grievous" Replace All. George Lucas!


Conference Finals

  • Darth Vader vs The Emperor

Darth Vader!

  • George Lucas vs Sarlacc
I'm pretty sure that George Lucas won't have much of an issue dispatching a Sarlacc. "I made you once. I can end you." Plus the Sarlacc probably has indigestion from eating Boba Fett and all his bandwagon fans. George Lucas!


MLS Cup Finals

  • Darth Vader vs George Lucas
Here's where it gets tricky. You see, George Lucas has only grown in power as it influences those around him. The more accolades he gets, however, the more prone he becomes to believing his own hype. And he can't just Alt F4 Darth Vader away anymore. Darth Vader has taken on a life of his own and there is no stopping him. He defeated Jar Jar Binks, which everybody thanked him for. He defeated the unbeatable Emperor. And now he'll defeat George Lucas, vindicating all the wrongs he's made along the way. Darth Vader!

The Champion


Bracket

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