clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

So you wanna hit somebody in the groin?

It's always a risky proposition to get a guy in the goolies, but if you're gonna do it, you gotta be crafty.

Not Pictured: A foul.
Not Pictured: A foul.

In order to be a fully functioning member of society, we humans have to obey certain unwritten rules, rules like "Don't chew with your mouth open," "Always leave a one-urinal buffer," "Don't like your own posts on Facebook," or "Don't read every word in Powerpoint presentation." As a man, there are a couple more unwritten rules, chief among them being "No nut shots!"

But what if you really want to hit somebody in the groin? What if you want to hit them so bad fire spews out of your eyes and your tunnel vision focuses solely on their sensitive area with a vicious intent to maim? Well, you'll probably get caught, and getting caught breaking an unwritten man-rule is a huge red flag. You get a check for that, maybe even a check minus.

So the question you should be asking yourself isn't "how do I hit somebody in the groin?" Instead it's "how do I get away with hitting somebody in the groin?" The easy answer would be, "Be Robbie Keane." But is it really that easy?

MLS Example: Acceptable



MLS Example: Unacceptable




Don't be apologetic! Apologies show weakness. If you purposefully hit somebody in the groin, you gotta be so threatening that the people who dole out punishments are afraid to suspend you, lest they themselves get a sack-tap. So the next time you want to hit somebody in the kibbles and bits, you remember this lesson MLS and their Disciplinary Committee has taught us: be merciless or else.

Sign up for the newsletter Sign up for the Sounder At Heart Weekly Roundup newsletter!

A twice weekly roundup of Seattle Sounders and OL Reign news from Sounder at Heart