Sounders v Dallas - Aftermatch Aftermath: Negative Football Neutralized

The game in which Seattle defeated Dallas even though Dallas did their best to be mean jerks and succeeded at being mean jerks for the entire game but didn't succeed in securing the victory because Seattle scored more goals and won the game instead because they were nicer and better.

By Ethan Swenson May 9, 2014, 8:30am PDT

You fit into me

Like a hook in the eye

A fish hook

An open eye

"You Fit Into Me," Margaret Atwood

Take that, FC Dallas. After that first half performance you put on Wednesday night against the Seattle Sounders, you should feel ashamed of yourselves. I am so glad Seattle won Wednesday’s game 2-1, not just because it’s the best result for my fandom, but because I hate seeing tactics like Dallas rewarded.

I can only imagine the maniacal laughter emanating from the Dallas camp once they heard Baldomero Toledo would be the center referee. The stage was set. Negative Football was employed. Raul Fernandez practiced everything in slow motion. Blas Perez greased up the bottom of his shoes. Michel danced suggestively with a coatrack. And a game was played.

A game which Seattle, like, totally won, you guys. Quickly, what’s the best way to beat a team playing Negative Football? By scoring more goals than them. Obviously, duh, which is precisely why Seattle did just that. They even handicapped Dallas one goal, just to overcome it again. If there’s one thing Seattle likes more than winning, it’s giving opponents a false sense of reality before ripping it away and leaving them wounded and alone. So alone.

Is it possible to be alone admist 40,000 others? Uh, yeah. Did you watch the game? Those Dallas players were miserable. Serves them right. As the wise sage Campeau would say, you wanna play football like that, go play for Stoke. It worked for Brek Shea, dinnit?

The Part with Bullet Points

I want to thank Michel for not dancing like a lecherous pervert after scoring his penalty goal. Leading up to the game the only thing I wasn’t prepared to witness was another dance that made me want to rip my eyeballs out. So thanks for that. Also thank you for that two-footed tackle on birthday boy, Lamar Neagle. I’m disappointed a yellow was given for that, because that means the DC won’t go back and retroactively reward a red card. And one last thanks for not providing quality defense on either of Seattle’s goals. Your ineptitude in defense ensured Seattle fans a victory. Thanks, buddy!

How many soft goals have Seattle conceded so far this season? It might be easier to count the well-done-other-team goals than count the soft ones. It’s (sadly) safe to say all four goals were earned by Portland, defensive lapses notwithstanding. Toronto’s first goal could be considered, since it happened after Evans suffered his calf injury and wasn’t allowed back the field in a timely manner. Dillon Serna’s goal for Colorado was fair. Is that it? The rest have been penalty kicks, flukes, or own goals. Seattle, stop giving up penalty kicks, flukes, and own goals. Simple enough.

Hail Hydra. Osvaldo Alonso had a rocket shot that forced an amazing save. Marco Pappa had a rocket shot that Fernandez barely managed to handle. Gonzalo Pineda had a shot from distance that Fernandez dove to save. Clint Dempsey had a point blank shot saved. Neagle nets his goal. Cooper nets his goal. Chad Barrett did things with a soccer ball nobody thought he could physically do. Obafemi Martins proved that he’s one of Nigeria’s best soccer players. This Seattle team’s attacking talent is deep.

Always the consummate professional, Dempsey was substituted off in the 90^th minute. As he left the field, he walked and clutched his hamstring. Do I believe his hamstring is really an issue? No. Do I believe he was clutching his hamstring as a way to justifiably walk off the field extremely slowly and waste time? Yes. I’ll miss this guy when he’s off on National Team duties, but goodness does he deserve to represent America.

Brad Evans at Left Back was an interesting experiment. I can’t ever remember seeing him there before these past two games. It’s hard to put the blame on the penalty on him, since the contact was incidental and Perez made a meal of it. But when Seattle’s in the we’ve-gotta-get-a-goal mode, which has been frequent of late, I can think of no better Left Back to have in that situation than Brad Evans. I can’t wait to see him play in Brazil.