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Sounders suck. Adrian is the worst. You should be pissed. Get out the pitchforks!

The Seattle Sounders are the worst thing to happen since Battlefield Earth.

My thoughts exactly
My thoughts exactly
Steven Bisig-USA TODAY Sports

I'll be the first to admit it: It's hard to be a Sounders fan. There are days I don't know why I do it, why I subject myself to being a fan of the worst team in the MLS. I was born and raised in Seattle and as a fan I have a history of rooting for Seattle-based teams, whether it's the Seahawks, the Mariners, or the Sonics. As a result, I am used to having the expectations of rooting for a losing team. Occasionally one of those teams would have a good run, but it was flash in the pan type stuff. I'm a Seattle sports fan, and I root for losers.

But then the Seattle Sounders had to come along and be good, and be successful. This attitude that success is attainable flies directly in the face of everything I learned watching my favorite teams as a child. We can win championships? Poppycock. We can consistently be one of the best teams in the league? Hogwash. Not in Seattle. Take that nonsense to New York or Boston, please.

This false belief has spread like a plague. The Seahawks believed and now they won a Superb Owl, which is apparently pretty hard to win since there are still 13 teams out there who've never won it. The Mariners, after years of futility, are now holding a playoff position. Seriously?! The Mariners?! Recent graduates of high school were 4 years old the last time the Mariners were in the playoffs. Thanks a lot, Sounders.

When I think about how awful the Sounders are, I think about the fact they constantly have players missing from their games. Like where have Clint Dempsey and DeAndre Yedlin been the past month? Why would you sign guys you know can't play for a large percentage of the season? That's just stupid management. Dempsey's off gallivanting in New York City, and now they're thinking of selling Yedlin? How does that get fun? I just got attached to that guy and now he's gone? There are sure to be players selected to the All-Star Game, just like Sean Okoli and Yedlin got picked for the Homegrown Game. That's another needless distraction. You're the worst, Sounders.

The team also plays in at least one tournament a year and they always play multiple midweek games because of it, exhausting out their players. Uh, hello? Care about the league, please. Plus, those games get over at like 10:30pm. Nobody cares about how well you did against Cal FC or PSA Elite or UNAM Tigres. Why can't the Sounders be more like LA Galaxy and don't even pretend to care about those tournaments. Why waste their time? And how come you can't ever draft earlier in the Superdrafts, huh? Letting other teams pick before you doesn't seem like a very smart process.

We don't want to root for winners here in Seattle, that's not what we're about. Sports are a method of escapism, and when we can't complain about how poorly our teams are doing, what can we complain about? Our lives? Yeah, sign me up for that. Not! Now what are fathers and sons supposed to talk about if we can't bitch and moan about our local sports teams? When me and the guys get together, what are we supposed to talk about now? Our feelings? You just had to go and upset the applecart.

Way to try to change my identity, Sounders. We were perfectly content being losers until you came along. Now what do we have? Hope? What can I do with that?

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