Sounders v Real Salt Lake - Aftermatch Aftermath: Whale Oil Beef Hooked

I sat down to what NBC Sports was advertising as the opening day of English Football and was instead subjected to hours of soccer. Well played, NBC Sports, well played.

By Ethan Swenson Aug 18, 2014, 9:00am PDT

Joao Plata's mother giving him pregame instructions

I'm sickened; sickened and disgusted. I don't know if that's because I was forced to sit through that horrific match on Saturday between Seattle Sounders and Real Salt Lake, or if it's because I just spent a weekend eating old Dominos pizza that's just been sitting on the end of my bed for half a week. Either way, it's disgusting.

I logged on to the world wide web just yesterday and asked Jeeves about the MLS standings and do you know what I saw? Well it certainly wasn't Seattle at the top of the list anymore. Seeing that felt like those times you get breakfast in bed and it's an egg-white omelet; just the worst, not even a starving raccoon would eat that. Someone said somewhere, "But something something Seattle has games in hand." That right there is their problem, you don't play soccer games in a hand, you play them on a field. That literally makes no sense.

There were some complaints about the referee causing Seattle to lose, which I get, I totally get that. Referees tend to make themselves look like idiots, and so if you think about that, only idiots would ever sign up to be a referee since they're agreeing to look stupid in front of national TV. But I saw the complaints too, and I totally agree. Even though I literally had no idea what was going on during the game on Saturday, even I could see that it was a random child on the field who scored the first goal for RSL. Uh, hello, that shouldn't be allowed. If I ran onto the field and scored and goal for Seattle, I'm pretty sure that wouldn't count as an official goal. But they do things weird in Utah, I've heard. I dunno though, that's just rumors, but most rumors turn out to be absolutely true anyway.

So you take that goal away and it's 2-0 score for Seattle, right? Since Chad Barrett scored a goal and Osvaldo Alonso scored one too. While I was on that MLS website I mentioned earlier, I looked up the Seattle roster and, sure enough, both those players play for Seattle. So it should've been a 2-0 win. That referee really screwed things up.

Do they do re-do games in soccer? Are we allowed a do-over?

Speaking of Alonso, that was a really slick goal he scored, tapping it under the goalie like that. Didn't know he had that in his repertoire, so I suppose that means we can expect to see that more often now.

Anyway, I'm sure there are some of you people out there who are upset over this weekend's clerical error of a loss, which I get and is totally justified. I mean, we had to wake up before noon to watch this nonsense. I, for one, intend to ask for my money back, and since I didn't go to the game in person (because of that whole don't-go-to-Utah thing) I'll try and get it from my cable provider. I heard Comcast has excellent customer service so this shouldn't be too hard.