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Sounders vs. San Jose - Aftermatch Aftermath: Natural Disaster

After the stellar season opener, Seattle Sounders hosted San Jose Earthquakes in their second game, which reinforced the belief that San Jose is lame. If anybody says they're a fan of the Earthquakes, then you know you shouldn't be friends with them.

Even Toledo can't manage to not hate San Jose for 90 minutes
Even Toledo can't manage to not hate San Jose for 90 minutes
Jennifer Buchanan-USA TODAY Sports

You know, there's just something about San Jose Earthquakes that makes you question who you are as a human being and your corresponding human values. When Seattle Sounders played the aforementioned Earthquakes on Saturday, I was a bit apprehensive due to the reality that I can't recall a single game against the scourge of the league that I particularly enjoyed watching. Matter of fact, enjoyable and San Jose Earthquakes are not synonymous; they're actually antonymous.

Gone are the days of the bash-brothers, thank goodness. For that alone, we, as a society, should send thank you notes to the San Jose front office, and all charges of crimes against humanity versus their organization should be dropped. But that lack of bash-brothers apparently doesn't mean they're not still a horrible team to watch, which slightly surprised me. When I heard that San Jose signed new Designated Player Innocent Emghara I had hoped maybe the team had turned a new leaf.

No, that's not the case. That guy is perfect for San Jose, except maybe for the fact that it actually appears he has a semblance of talent, which runs counter to what San Jose has put on the field in recent memories. All the histrionics that people dislike about soccer were evident in Emergent Ermahgod. Fitting. San Jose and he deserve each other.

But all this, all this rueful franchise, debauchery, villainous behavior doesn't mean the world doesn't reward them for their behavior. Let's take Seattle, for example, a team filled with paragons of humanity, of men the best the world has to offer, and they somehow still manage to lose. It baffles me. Goodness should be rewarded. Badness should be punished. At least that's what Hollywood has taught me.

The Saturday result turned my world up on its head. Maybe I'll stop waiting at crosswalks. Maybe I won't RSVP for weddings and show up anyway. Maybe I'll start double-dipping in the salsa. Maybe I'll signal to turn left when I really mean to turn right. I don't know. I really just don't know anymore. But perhaps, if I want to root for winners, I'll stop rooting for Seattle and I'll start rooting for San Jose. I'll live under a bridge and be a troll, being constantly shirtless, charging people the right to cross my bridge, eating goats, and rooting for the Earthquakes.

Maybe I'll bore out a mountain fortress, hire a bunch of henchmen replete with matching uniforms, and build a giant disc that blocks the sun from even reaching Earth, holding governments hostage just for the fun of it. I'm assuming this is what a fan of San Jose does, because what other type of person would root for such a team? If I lived in the general proximity of the Earthquakes and my options were to be a fan of San Jose or punch myself in the face as hard as I could every day for the rest of my life, I probably wouldn't be as handsome as I currently am.

Life is hard. Life isn't fair. San Jose won and the Earth didn't explode to a myriad of fiery meteorites. And if you're sitting there, have an existential crisis, asking yourself, "Self, how could Seattle win so handily against New England Revolution and then lose to the Earthquakes?"

Well, isn't the answer obvious? Bad defending? Brad Evans? Baldomero Toledo? No Sigi Schmid? Also, where in the world is Kenny Cooper? This game brought too many questions. I can't answer these with all this newly shattered world going on and stuff. Ugh.

An Ode to Saturday's Misery

San Jose is in town. This ought to be fun.

Maybe hopefully they brought all their modern Silicon Valley tech.

Everybody loves an early goal!

Seattle is already off to a flying start.

There's no way this could go wrong.

Hmm, looks like the Sounders forgot how to soccer.

Alright, Toledo, I've had about enough of your nonsense.

He does not listen to the advice of his assistants.

Toledo certainly doesn't want to make friends with Seattle.

I might have a little case of the rage.

It's safe to say Seattle gifted three points to San Jose.

Get out of here with your revelry.

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