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Sounders vs. Portland - Aftermatch Aftermath: Modern Detectivism

In this special edition of AA, we put on our detective hats to hunt down the most notorious villains planet Earth has ever seen. Hold onto your butts.

Man? Or Monster?
Man? Or Monster?
Godofredo Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

Are you excited to read about the Seattle Sounders and Portland Timbers Cascadia Cup rivalry match that happened on Sunday? I bet you are! Who wouldn't want to relive such a memorable performance? Only crazy people wouldn't, and we're all sane here, right? You betcha!

I'll make you a deal though: I won't talk about what happened during the game if you continue on being your awesome, attractive self. Deal? That sounds like a great deal to me. Nobody wants to go over the past, because that's behind us now, and we're forward thinking folk 'round these parts. Isn't there some saying like those who don't look toward the future and instead dwell on the past are doomed to repeat the past? Yeah, pretty sure that's it. So on to the days of tomorrow where mystery and adventure await.

Hold on a second, is talking about Rodney Wallace's throat slash and Fernando Adi's chainsaw antics a breach of the earlier deal we made? If it is, I'd like to propose an addendum to the earlier agreement: I won't talk about what happened during the game except for those two instances. That's not really part of the game game, now is it? See, I knew you were reasonable. I guess in addition to be awesome and attractive you're kind and understanding too. No wonder we get along so well.

So, according to Addendum 1A, did you guys hear about that throat slash celebration? Pretty aggressive, if you ask me. What about the one where that guy wielded a chainsaw like he was a murderer from those Texas massacre movies? Yikes. Think about the children! What Would Timber Joey Do? WWTJD, yo.

Oddly enough, I put on my detective hat and discovered that the antics of these two have been popping up all over the place, all over time. But don't worry, my friend, for I'll share the evidence with you, just like a good detective would. It's because we're a team, and I trust you.

Exhibit 1


Oh my! That certainly isn't an appropriate setting to be slashing throats and wielding a large chainsaw. Even if they're just trimming hedges and scratching neck itches, it's certainly going to prove to be an unpleasant moment for those little children.

Exhibit 2

Goodness! An attack on panda bears? There's certainly no mixed messages in this one, it's pretty clear these two have nefarious deeds on their minds. Nefarious indeed.

Exhibit 3

That, well, that's just not a good look. I think that's Winston Churchill's funeral procession, and these two are being wholly insensitive to Britain's loss. It's just poor taste, fellas.

Exhibit 4

Well there they are again, terrorizing children. This here sheds light that maybe their antics in Exhibit 1 weren't altogether altruistic. These two, they've got some explaining to do. On a tangential note: isn't water bad for chainsaws?

Exhibit 5

That's just awful. Awful. Who would ever go see Yo Gabba Gabba live? Awful.

Exhibit 6

It's sad for me to say, but when I came across this photograph, I wasn't even surprised anymore. This is par for the course for these two. I mean, where else would their evil deeds pop up than the happiest place on earth? I dunno. I really don't.

Exhibit 7

How does this even work? They were on the moon when the Apollo missions were there? No wonder NASA gave up the moon landing missions. You can even see the astronaut there shielding himself from the oncoming attack. This picture is just horrific and gruesome.

Exhibit 8

Oh good god! This explains everything. They're monsters.

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