Sounders vs. Vancouver - Aftermatch Aftermath: A PRO Job

Have you ever wanted to wield unlimited power without any responsibility but don't want to wear those spandex suits they make you wear in comics? Well, consider becoming a referee with PRO, an organization who only cares about appearances.

By Ethan Swenson Mar 21, 2016, 9:00am PDT

How does that old adage go?What do you do if you can't play? You coach. What do you do if you can't coach? You referee? What do you do if you can't referee? Apply at PRO! Join PRO today and travel to many exotic locales in the United States and Canada, making friends at every stop. Here at Pro we don't believe in accountability, we don't believe in micromanaging. We don't even take a look at the work you've done, instead we entrust another organization to analyze the wreckage you leave behind and doll out further punishment, but don't worry, you'll never be subjected to any form of punishment. Why you're practically untouchable.

It doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, what your background is, or whether you can see, hear, or even think rationally, we'll take you just as you are, because here at PRO, we value you for you. Once you join PRO, you'll undergo a rigorous 10 minute crash course through all the intricacies surrounding the beautiful game of soccer, which, if you are unfamiliar, is a game where 22 individuals kick a ball around until you determine who wins based on your completely arbitrary factors for which you will never be held accountable.

They're like lost little lambs and you need to herd them. But get this, we don't care how you do it, just so long as you show up. That's all we need you to do: just show up. After your 10 minute crash course, we'll give you a whistle, a wardrobe of colorful outfits, and a plane ticket to magical places like Kansas City, Kansas or Columbus, Ohio where you can exert your new power over those who need your guidance.

If you're sitting there thinking to yourself, "Where's the catch?" Well, sadly, you're probably not the guy for us. Here at PRO we do not value thought process or introspection. Trust your gut. Your gut is right. With our one-time training, your gut will forever be right. That's right, there's no retraining here. You just show up, do your job, and you'll keep getting jobs, paying jobs, doing something you can be proud of, shouting to family and friends, "I work for PRO. I am a PRO," and they'll stand silently in hushed amazement, awed by your power, impressed by your importance. Your mother will probably cry, and trust us, they're probably good tears.

A little warning though: sometimes, very infrequently really, one of those 22 individuals will try to undermine you. When this happens we have equipped you with weapons. The whistle was already mentioned, but in addition you get a notebook and two cards, one yellow and one red. You don't throw these cards, though I suppose if you wanted to train yourself how to become a deadly card tosser you could do that on your own time, merely you wield these cards to put these individuals in their rightful place, which is beneath you. They need to be reminded that you are law. You are power. There is no right or wrong for you, there is merely your discretion.

As for your whistle, it's how you alert the players of their naughtiness; it's an implement of order. It's pretty straight forward really. But your notebook, you use that to write down players on your naughty list. Just whatever you do, please, for the love of all that is right and pure in this world (which is PRO, join today), do not, I repeat, do not allow one of those individuals to steal and rip apart your notebook. This type of insurrection does not reflect well on PRO as an organization, and while you will feel no repercussions for such an action (again, allow me to reiterate just how untouchable you are once you join PRO), having someone tear apart our notebook is just, well, it makes us all look foolish, and we just wanna look cool.

So if being on TV excites you, if you've always wanted to wield unchecked power, if you like to determine right and wrong and punish those who disobey your orders, if you want to go to places like Frisco, Texas or Sandy, Utah, then join PRO today. Your destiny awaits.