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A sensible look and analysis of the realistic chances and expectations of the Seattle Sounders heading into this 2016 MLS season.

Jennifer Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

It's on! It's back! The season is starting! Get hype!

The Seattle Sounders season starts now! Sunday? Sunday! Sunday!!!

You'll pay for the whole seat, but throw that seat away, you don't need it! You'll be standing the whole time!!


Get what?


Did George Washington quit the revolution when Benedict Arnold shot him during Gettysburg? No! He Punk'D that traitor and became President of a new country he founded. GET HYPE! "Bitch," he said, "Shooting me ain't gonna stop me from making the greatest country on Earf. And I'm gonna name a state after me and that state is gonna be home to the high-flying, hail-hydra'ing, non-stop-in-yo-face Seattle Sounders. GET HYPE. Washington Out!" History shows that was the first recorded instance of a mic drop.

And the Seattle Sounders ain't gonna quit until that goddamn MLS Cup is in our hands, filled to the brim with the rich, foamy, high quality craft beers Seattle is known to brew, getting drunk off the jubilation (and alcohol) of their victories over their fallen, inferior foes.


Quick, get an air-horn handy and your trigger finger ready. When you read "GET HYPE" you blast that air-horn. Scratch that, you blast that horn as fast and as often as you want. Nobody can control your hype train, nobody can tell you when to hype, how to hype, who to hype, because everybody knows you hype the Sounders and you hype the Sounders hard!

Clint Dempsey! GET HYPE! Jordan Morris! GET HYPE! Emir Alihodzic! GET HYPE!

You want brains? We got Andreas Ivanschitz! You want beauty? We got Nelson Haedo Valdez! You want brains and beauty? We got Brad Evans! You want tacos? Wait in line behind Erik Tacolovin'* Friberg! GET HYPE!

*Not his real middle name. His full name is John Erik Gunnar Friberg.

Think you're gonna score against Seattle? Think again! Have you heard of Chad Marshall? Because he's heard of you, he's weighed you, measured you, and found you wanting. Have you heard of Osvaldo Alonso? Because he'll hit you so hard your ancestral ghosts will visit you while you sleep and give you a stern lecture to cease and desist.


Have you ever run into a wall before? I did, I was young and stupid and looking at my feet as I ran, and let me tell you it hurts, and is slightly embarrassing. But Stefan Frei don't care about those things you call feelings. He's a brick wall made of sexy Swiss mortar blessed by the almighty Amun-Ra. GET HYPE! And while you're trying to figure out a way to get past him BAM! Tyrone Mears just done made you look foolish. BAM! Joevin Jones made your parents look at you the way they did that one time when they waited up all night to catch you sneaking home after curfew.


Oh do you still wanna cry that we didn't win the MLS Cup last year? Do you wanna cry that we lost a couple players this offseason? Well don't! When you look to the past, you're not paying attention to what's in front of you and that's when you walk into a wall, idiot. Take it from me!

Instead look to the future! The one where we're in a parade filled with confetti, winners, and trophies. It's a future where we don't run into walls; we run through them! GET HYPE!


So sit up straight. Slap those worries and doubts away. Be strong and stare fear right in the eyes, just like Zach Scott did when he successfully defended the Japanese shores against the invading Mongols. Get that swagger and confidence back that makes every other team hate us. Why do they hate us? Because we're the Seattle Sounders, the best team from the best country on the best planet. Hail Hydra, Hay Fe, and GET HYPE!

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