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Major League Standings: No worries, it's only week 1

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Sounders started at the bottom, but as Drake says: "now we're here." And he means at the top. We'll be laughing at the end of the year when we beat someone in the MLS Cup, maybe even Drake's Toronto FC.

Borchers looks afraid, very afraid
Borchers looks afraid, very afraid
Jaime Valdez-USA TODAY Sports

New York Red Bulls 0 - Toronto FC 2: Sebastian Giovinco picked up where he left off last year with a goal via PK and an assist on Marco Delgado's stoppage time insurance winner. No Altidore, no problem. But it turns out, no Miazga, big problem. The Red Bulls defense was torn apart most of the game by a largely inexperienced strike force led by actor Jon Lovitz, or soccer player Daniel Lovitz (your choice.) Toronto should be good again this year, New York maybe not so much.

Orlando City FC 2 - Real Salt Lake 2: The most exciting boring game you'll ever see. Why? Play-wise it was not the most exciting, seeing the Purple Lions play the Desert Lions, but statistically it was fun. Two goals apiece, two stoppage time show stoppers, and two red cards. Red team got the 1st card at twenty minutes. Then earned and converted a PK in the 26th. Red then took a red in first half stoppage. No fear, they score again in the 66th. Purple would not lose at home and notched two stoppage time goals via Cyle Larin, who scored one and assisted the other to steal a point from their Western Conference feline foes. RSL will be without Demar Phillips when they host Seattle this weekend, yay!

Chicago Fire 3 - NYCFC 4: Last year's two worst teams played a pretty exciting match, scoring more goals than any other opening day match. Bridgeview hosted their first match without local leader Harry Shipp, and didn't look too bad. They actually looked liked they belonged in the league, which is saying something. Goals about every ten minutes from the start until the 72nd minute makes for a fun watch, but what made this game memorable was hair master Mix Diskerud assisting on one goal and scoring the winner in the 63rd (putting his squad up 4-2 at the time). Neither team looks to be an MLS Cup threat, but NYCFC could make the playoffs this time. In case you were wondering, no Frank Lampard and Poku was an unused sub.

San Jose Earthquakes 1 - Colorado Rapids 0: Battle of "most dysfunctional in the West" was won by the side that has an open bar, of course. Chris "Can't Hit an Important Sitter" Wondolowski scored the only goal in the 46th. Marco Pappa avoided any stabbings after subbing in at the 79th and almost scoring a tying goal. No Chad Barrett but Bryan Meredith was the backup GK. Oh, and Wondo is a forward again.

Houston Dynamo 3 - New England Revolution 3: Dominic Kinnear's old team started out year two under Owen Coyle with a bang, scoring three goals. Unfortunately for them, their defense missed the "play the Full 90" memo and gave up the tying goal to Daigo Kobayashi in the 3rd minute of stoppage time. Jalil Anibaba took a yellow as he started for his new, new team. Houston will fight with Colorado for last place in the West, which is cool I guess.

FC Dallas 2 - Philadelphia Union 0: Oscar Pareja is a good coach, let's just get that out of the way. Sure Philly is bad but Pareja is good and it is rare for me to complement other teams so just accept it, Dallas. Mauro Diaz started off the year with two assists, helping Fabian Castillo and former Timber Maximiliano Urruti get goals against a roster that would leave plenty of cap space on an MLS fantasy team. Hey, at least Andre Blake is healthy enough to start. Castillo did get hurt in this one, though the club thinks he'll only be out about two weeks with an abductor strain.

Portland Timbers 2 - Columbus Crew 1: I don't really want to talk about it. Fanendo Adi and Diego Valeri each got goals and while maybe we should acknowledge that baby brother is being successful, it does not really matter because two more important things happened in this game. 1. Yes, the Crew jerseys were the most ugly thing at a game that had glitter beards in the crowd (just an assumption based on Portland social media) and 2. Federico Higuain scored an absolutely amazing goal. Portland will be tough, but we'll beat them. Columbus will make repeat trip to the conference final, but may not make it to the MLS Cup.

Vancouver Whitecaps 2 - Montreal Impact 3: Didier Drogba had all three goals while playing keeper and keeping out two PKs by Pedro Morales. He was so successful at the half that Vancouver just asked if the game could be over. Wait? That wasn't real? You mean it was on turf so he stayed away and trained in Miami and then Sacramento? Oh yeah, that part is true. Instead Ignacio Piatti took over, scoring twice and assisting once. Dominic Oduro played striker in Drogba's absence and netted one goal and assisted another. It was good to see a defensive breakdown by our rivals, but sadly they had two goals from defenders, Jordan Harvey and Kendall Waston.

Sounders FC 0 - Sporting Kansas City 1: We're not going to talk about this. Well I'm not at least. Well not anymore than: unfortunate result, proper red card even if I hate that it happened, and we'll get them next week. Maybe if Brad and Tyrone still can't go we try out a sweeper keeper formation...

Los Angeles Galaxy 4 - DC United 1: After being humbled by Santos, LA decided to blow out DC. While the Sounders didn't score, two of our former players did. Lamar Neagle started off playing for his new team with a 5th minute goal, but that was the last positive moment for DC. Daniel Steres scored nine minutes into the 2nd half to tie it up. From there Mike Magee scored two and Robbie Keane converted a penalty. Also DC managed three yellows on 15 fouls, so 20%...seems like they'll want to keep that up this year. But just because they scored, it doesn't mean I am threatened by them. They're old. They're slow. They beat up on a weakling. Sounds like a bully that's losing their grasp, pretty cool eh?

Yes, Seattle's at the bottom. -1 GD, 0 points, and no goals for. That's the last time we'll see them there.