For me, my Saturday paralleled this early season that the Seattle Sounders have so far experienced. I woke up on an air mattress, eager for the forthcoming IKEA shipment that would bring me my brand new bed and mattress, items that I ordered well over a month prior. It would be a glorious day, but I never received the confirmation call the day prior, one in which they reveal to you the timing of the delivery, so I was understandably nervous.
At 8:30 in the morning I finally received a phone call, but it was a robot on the other end who informed me that my delivery would arrive between 11am and 3pm. That really isn't too bad, I could manage. It would give me enough time to assemble the bed and still catch the Sounders play Montreal Impact that night, finally coming home to sleep on a real bed for the first time in over a month. Mixed with a combined eagerness and nervousness, I overly prepared, and ensured I was ready to receive my delivery at 10:30am. You never know when people might show up, gotta be ready early.
11:00am and nothing. I'm not surprised, really, I don't even know why I expected that they would show up early. Just because I would show up early doesn't mean that they would. They'll be here.
Noon pm and nothing. Okay, again, this isn't surprising, but I'm sure they'll be here soon. Afterall, they wouldn't make me waste my entire Saturday waiting for them to show up, and they want to finish their delivery so that they can go home early to also watch the Sounders game.
1:00pm and nothing. No phone calls updating me on their estimated arrival. No nothing. Did they forget that today was the day for delivery? I mean, they said they'd call me with the four hour window the day earlier, but they just called this morning. Are they actually going to be delivering it on Sunday? Do I have to spend another night on the air mattress?
2:00pm and nothing. What even is life and consciousness? What existed before the universe? Does a blind person see blackness or do they just not "see"? Is it like when I have my eyes closed or is it like trying to see through my elbows? Is all this even real or is it just a manifestation of dreams? If I'm real, what is my purpose? Why am I here?
3:00pm and nothing. This isn't even worth it! I hate this bed, I hate IKEA, I don't even know why I did this in the first place! This bed never existed and I've wasted my life waiting for it to magically appear. It's never going to happen.
4:00pm and nothing. I can sleep on the floor. It's okay. I mean, I'm not as young as I used to be, but I can do it. I could even just get piles of blankets in the bathtub and sleep there. It'll be like camping. I'll light a fire in the sink and roast food in there. I'll prowl around looking for animals to hunt, looking for anything to help me survive this bleak, dreary existence I have created for myself. Life only has one meaning: survival. And I intend on surviving.
5:00pm and nothing. What the fuck? What the actual fuck? I'm freaking out, man. The snozberries taste like snozberries. Does Mr. Fantastic have good control over his bowels or does he have to focus on clenching or else turds just fall out? I don't even know why I did this. I don't even know why I'm here. A bed is a bed. I could just throw some blankets on a pallet and I'd be fine. Really, I'd be fine. This isn't worth it. I give up.
5:15pm and they call. "This is Ethan... oh yes, how lovely, I'll be right there. Thank you kindly." What a fake-ass voice. That's not me. I'll gouge your eyes out. We're all animals and I'm the king predator. I've got my two eyes watching you, watching how you move, watching how you shake in fear. You've got one eye on me and the other on an escape that'll never come. "Oh thank you for taking the time out of your day to deliver this. Enjoy your weekend."
5:30pm and the bed is in pieces. There aren't any words in this instruction booklet. My hands and back already hurt just looking at all this.
6:30pm and they've fabricated a piece wrong. Goddamn, IKEA. Get your shit together. How do you send pieces with the drill holes located in the wrong place? How do you send screws that can't possibly fit into an unthreaded screw hole? Now I have to use zip-ties to fasten this bed together. That's what I've resorted to, MacGyver'ing this goddamn piece of shit bed together just so that I can sleep tonight.
7:00pm and I'm at Target. 1000W isn't that powerful for a juicer. That mesh screen is too fine, it'll cause the pulp to build up and the juice won't flow freely and I'll have to constantly be cleaning it. How often would I use a juicer anyway? I mean, I like V8, I could just buy a jug of that instead of always having tons of fruits and vegetables judging me every time I open the fridge and ignore them. Oh yeah, zip-ties.
7:30pm and I'm on the ground, using zip ties to secure this wood and metal monster together. I hope this will work. This should work. I have faith. I can do this. IKEA can do this. We're a good team. I never doubted us.
8:30pm and I look like death, but not like Imhotep from The Mummy movies, more like someone who has survived an apocalypse and is wondering what's next. The bed is done. I think. I hope.
9:00pm and the sheets are on the mattress which is resting on the bed I made. Mattress feels pretty firm. Is it supposed to be this firm? I hope these zip-ties hold.
9:10pm and the bed is larger than the air mattress and I haven't accounted for the sharp corners jutting out into space, and slam my shin right into a sharp wooden corner. Oh my goodness I'm bleeding to death. But the bed is done, but my shin hurts now.
9:15pm and I'm sleeping like a baby.
Smells like GIF spirit
This game will surely be a clash of epic proportions.
Might today be the first Sounders victory of the season?
I hope the refereeing is better today, otherwise I fear for Seattle.
What a start to the match. How many goals will we score today?
Not winning this game would be a horror I don't want to behold.
Winning, losing, why do we do this? Why do we care?
I'm not used to this whole thing where a referee doesn't blow a game for us.
Clint Dempsey nearly scored on that free kick. That would've been nice.
But he did score on that corner kick! Damn right!
We did it! We won!
Never had a doubt in my mind.
We're so much better than everybody else.
Damn it feels good to be a Sounder.