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Prematch Premath: Get Hype starts now

If you're not already hyped for this next chapter of the Sounders season, well, you should be.

Fire is good
Fire is good
Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

Oh my god, did you hear the news? The Seattle Sounders 2016 MLS Season Beta version 1.20 has finally ended and the official season launch starts now! Wooo!

Sigi Schmid, captain of this hardy vessel, steering it through shallow reefs and becalmed waters, has retired and appointed a new Dread Pirate Roberts to take his place. Except his name is Brian Schmetzer and he bleeds Rave Green!

I saw Schmetz last night I asked him in my most grown up voice, "Bry-dog, what does it mean to be a Sounders?" and he said, "This!" Then he ripped open his shirt and showed me the most on-point Killer Whale tattoo I've ever seen, taking up his entire chest. It was like 3D and jumping out of the water, but not like that weak fake CGI Free Willy nonsense. I mean, I don't understand the answer he gave me, but Killer Whales are cool I guess.

But then, in addition to the Sounders using enough Candy to evolve a Schmid into a Schmetzer, they picked up a wild Lodeiro (pronounced Lo-Dee-Air-Oh), who, if prophecies are to be believed, was foretold to herald an era of prosperity and tranquility to this fertile, majestic land, and to score and assist on lots of goals.

If you're not familiar with Loeidoro (pronounced Low-Door-Oh), get familiar because he's about to blaze a path through MLS defenders who will be crying and thinking "Damn, I wish our team had a Lodiero," (pronounced Load-Arrow). But they can't. Because there's only one, and he plays for the Sounders now, not some Boca Jr.

Him and his buddy Alvaro "Flaco" Fernandez are gonna sweep this fine Beta test of a mess under a rug and pretend it's not there. Blank Slate, they call it, which is Latin for "Get Hype".

The Sounders are gonna score so many goals that insurance agents all around the country are raising the rates on MLS Goalkeepers because they recognize that these poor souls are gonna have back problems from bending down so often to collect the balls out of their own nets. Seattle Sounders, stimulating the economy since 1974.

Now the Sounders are gonna flame broil everybody like Charmander. Ember for days! Get rekt, son.

If that doesn't get you pumped up, I don't know what will.

So rest assured, faithful friend. It's official. You can Get Hype now.

Still not Hype? Here, let me help you out! This one's for you.

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