This is probably one of the most important articles you’ll ever read.
There’s an abundance of aspects looked at when assessing players, like physicality, first touch, and passing accuracy, but the one category that really means something in the grand scheme of things is the player’s hair. How are the players distinguished on the field? Not by the large numbers on their back or their position on the field, but by their hair.
The Sounders have been blessed with some pretty strong hair talent during their time in MLS. It’s time to reward the guys for their superior styles in what I’m calling the “Best Hair XI.” Like I said, this is going to be the most important article you’ve ever read.
Deploying in a 4-3-3, the Best Hair XI is composed of Stefan Frei, Marc Burch, Roman Torres, Brad Evans, DeAndre Yedlin, Joevin Jones, Mauro Rosales, Nicolas Lodeiro, Fredy Montero, Nelson Valdez, and Obafemi Martins. On the bench is Tyler Miller, Jake Morris, Cristian Roldan, Andy Craven, Oniel Fisher, Osvaldo Alonso, and Lamar Neagle.
The Best Hair XI attack is actually pretty talented. With Montero, Valdez, and Martins, you’ll be set both in goals and hair power. You’ve probably got some Hawt Takes on this lineup, so here’s my rationale:
Montero is of value for his versatility. Whether his locks are short, long, with headbands, or in a modified mohawk, they look good. Fredy has the kind of hair that you could do pretty much anything to and it would still be flawless. I say “pretty much” because you might sadly remember that he had a rat tail for a period of time. Rat tails are not good at all in my book. However, I’m choosing to ignore the terrible Rat Tail Fredy era as his versatility will benefit the Best Hair XI.
I don’t think I need to give a rationale for Valdez. One word will suffice: Dreamy. His hair is absolutely perfect. BRB, gotta go stare at it for an extended period of time.
The last forward to make the Best Hair XI is Martins. He may have broken our hearts, but his hair is iconic. The first two-pole I ever made was a terrible version of a silhouette of his head. As bad as it was, people could still determine it was Oba from the hair. Oba could be spotted from anywhere in the stadium because of his hair, the epitome of the reasoning behind the Best Hair XI.
Moving to the midfield, we’ve got Joevin Jones, Rosales, and Lodeiro. Three very different styles, yet all have good reasons to be included in the Best Hair XI.
I’ve been really impressed with Jones this preseason, in terms of play and hair. His game has improved and he has introduced a new style that consists of two braids that go into tiny buns. It’s sleek and serious, while, like the poof last year, still perfectly Joevin. I can’t do the look justice in words, keep a look out for his hair streaking down the left flank and sending crosses into the box.
Rosales’ is a difficult look to explain. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why his hair is beloved by all, but it is. It’s a universal truth that Mauro has good hair, yet his hair is on the verge of oily and stringy. He puts a headband on it and his hair is transformed into beautiful locks. I don’t think it’s even worth it to break down the mechanics behind how Mau’s hair seems so wonderful. Just go with it: Mauro Rosales has good hair.
Lodeiro. He’s short and adorable and somehow manages to look like a 12-year-old and an old man at the same time. I think his aging feat has something to do with his hair. When kept short, Nico’s hair looks professional, like he’s a 40-year-old business man. If he lets it grow out a bit, it turns Bieber-ish, turning the old man into a boy. The cut isn’t particularly noteworthy, but his hair is so fluffy that it’s quite endearing. Adorable Nico story time: while trouncing the Galaxy 4-2 in humid LA, his hair was so poofy that it was like a small cloud around his head.
If you thought the first two lines had good hair, you’re in for a real treat with the defense. Burch, Torres, Evans, and Yedlin are probably in MLS Best XI.
When Burch was on the Sounders, he looked like he would fit right into Mad Men. It was a dang good hair cut. Maybe even one of the best the team has ever seen. I’m very sad to say that since he has departed the Rave Green that he has grown his hair out into an actual disaster. Just thinking about his new hot garbage of a hair cut is making me mad. Go look at Sounders-era Marc Burch and swoon. I need to move onto Roman before I @ him on Twitter in all caps.
Torres’ hair is just amazing. I’m constantly in awe of it. In person, you can’t help but be intimidated. Roman may be a huge dude, but I think his hair is bigger than he is. Just how big is Roman’s hair? It’s probably big enough to have its own personality. After winning the Western Conference Championship, his ball cap just sat on top of his head like a crown and proceeded to fall off with his every step. And before the game against the Charleston Battery, instead of wearing a beanie, he had a neck warmer around his hair. It’s a power move. I think most people can easily say that Roman Torres has the best hair that the Sounders have ever seen. I just love his hair so much and you should too.
On this star studded backline, you also have Mr. Brad Evans. His hair always has been and always will be perfect and flawless. The cut is rather standard, but the execution is exquisite. Has anyone ever watched Brad brush his fingers through his perfect hair without fainting? No? Didn’t think so. If you’re brave enough to try, please capture it on video for all of us to binge from the safety of our couches.
DeAndre Yedlin, y’all. No article about hair on the Sounders would be complete without him. He’s a hair influencer. Luckily a few of his more questionable styles and colors didn’t catch on, but he’s an icon. I said earlier that hair is what distinguishes the players on the field. DeAndre embodies that idea 100 percent. What do you think of when someone says DeAndre Yedlin? Other than his blistering pace, you remember the Neymar-esque look that is classically DeAndre Yedlin, the Hair Influencer.
Is being bald or having boring hair a prerequisite to being a goalkeeper? Going through the years of keepers for the Rave Green, only Tyler Miller and Stefan Frei have hair that exists and isn’t terrible. I’ve decided to go with Stef purely for the time that he told Brad he couldn’t have lunch with him because he was getting his minimal amount of hair cut an hour before their plans. Hair banter is always encouraged, so your Best Hair XI goalkeeper is MLS Cup MVP Stefan Frei.
You’re probably getting tired of me obsessing over hair, so I’ll just give you a quick run down of the bench. Tyler Miller: back-up keeper for his average hair cut that isn’t terrible or bald. Cristian Roldan: very solid hair cut with a nice amount of curl. Andy Craven: the best long locks I’ve seen on the team. Oniel Fisher: a good blonde thing going on. Lamar Neagle: probably one of the best hair and beard combos I’ve seen in a long time. Osvaldo Alonso: hair is magically always the same length… except that time when he grew it out for charity and he looked like a teddy bear. Last but most certainly not least on the bench is Jake Morris: not yet signed to the team as a 17-year-old in the Academy, but his hair is basically Beyonce. It’s shiny AF and perfect and I love it. Keep your eyes on Jake With The Good Hair in the next few years, both hair and talent wise.
To conclude the Best Hair XI, I’d like to give an honorary mention to Jordan Morris. I believe he has the potential to crack this amazing lineup, but he might have to drop his current hairstylist who is his best friend and teammate, Cristian Roldan. Cristian does a decent job for a locker room hair cut, but since Jordan’s living at home and has the most lucrative homegrown contract in MLS history, I think Jordan could both benefit from and afford a professional hair cut.