NOTE: Yes, this article is written by none other than commenter DjimiJones. Yes, we know he struggles with his grammar, spelling, writing in general. Generally we have certain journalistic standards here at Sounder at Heart (sometimes not), but we were looking for unique takes on the Portland/Seattle rivalry and, well, here is certainly one. For our own sanity, the below is unedited.
Helloo Sounders fans I’m back for you, just in case you awere wondering where I’ve been thes past few months, I’m still here reading and writing and commenting wherever needed. Sometimes not. I just had to tell you a few stories about Portland where I went there the past few times theres are mostly true stories just don’t worry about it, it will hopefullys give you a sense of where we are and why they are there and not up here because really Portalnders wish they were in Seattle when you get right down to it since Seattle has beerter weather and better water and better greeneries than Portland and probably better people too and money and well don’t for get the SOUNDERS of course.
Portlund has ahlways been a special place for me well at least since like 2010 when my best friend moved down there for school I mean he probably acould have gone to school in Washington but there was a GIRL down there who was sort of cute i guess and I guess it didn’t work out since since he’s married to a different girl now. But he realy gave me an insight into the Poerltanders and their fans outlook on life, really you cannot make up that most of them are DUCKS FANS that’s all you really need to know but to reiterate they think they are the best fans in the world even though they’ve only been good for 15 minutes but if you looked at the history you really know whos’ been better the longest really the records speak for themselves since the Sounders have the Supporters Shield and they don’t really how can they argue I guess They have some nice strep clubs but anyway you gotta bring your own water down there because your teeth will need special cleaning when you get home since they thing they know better than the FLOURIDE DOCTORS who know this stuff in and out I mean really these people think they are God’s Gift to Humankind or probably more like Spaghetti God’s Gift to Earth since it would NOT just be a gift to humans or maybe yes just humans since we don’t seem to do great thinkgs for any species except humans especially if someone is to be believed about global warming. MY friend told me about how these protalanaders really are they are like the salamanders all dirty hippie wannabees getting sticky and such but really if you dig down they have a crazeye sense of entitleability to themselves and their teams and whatnot I mean just because you have a small stadium does NOT mean your sellouts are more impresseive than our “Sellouts” really because we Groupon because we CAN really I mean groupon can be kind of nice when you have TENS OF THOUSANDS MORE FANS EVERY GAME not that I’m counting or anything but yeah really when you are so obnoxious that the Guairdiola doesn't like your team than you know somethings wrong. I went down there before and there was a Zombie festival out on the street and screaming people and zombies and filming these things going on out in broad daylight I mean really is there ranything less scary than zombies in the middle of the day that just shamble around I suppose a puppy would be less scary but probably not by much since dogs can have rabies at any age and a zombie is too slow to b ite you in the sun they need the darkness to surprise you. I don’t know what this means about the Pertlenders but I know it means something. take it for what its worth (not much i suppose but you’r ereading this so it’s something).
That’s the short fersion of it though so If you really want to know about Portlindrers and why they want to be Seattle just look outside on a day like this and wonder “would I want to root for the Timbers in this weather.” You will probably think no and you’re righT1 I WOULD NOT want to root for the Timbers. I don’t think you do either because you are reading this and are not a Timbers/Sounders person if those even exist outside of Steven ZXakuani (Don’t Get Me Started on Keith Costagan). What a beautiful day maybe it’s nice in Portland but definitely not as nice as here wouldn’t you agree? We have the BEST weather. Peoples are actually NICE and odn’t Freeze you out or tell you how many vegan they are. Enjoying being the best? Aren’t you? Good.
So Come on Seattle! We know we are the best better than the rest. We fight for this city because we ARE this city! Go Sounders!