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Rave Green Olympics, what sport would each Sounder compete in

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Roman Torres and Osvaldo Alonso could probably do every event.

Olympics: Ski Jumping Andrew P. Scott-USA TODAY Sports

In honor the Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea what sport would each Sounder participate in if the they were at the Winter Games? Some players are good fits for multiple events but they could only compete in one (except Cristian Roldan).

Alpine Downhill - Slalom, Super G, traditional downhill or any of them would be handled by homegrown signing Handwalla Bwana. Bwana has pace and is a great dribbler which is effectively the same as being tight on the slalom corners.

Biathlon - Easy pick for the biathlon, Clint Dempsey. The Texan has that fight-through-anything drive that you need to win in a crazy sport like biathlon. He’ll be able to hit the targets in the shooting portion as well.

Bobsled - To be a two-man bobsled team you need to be strong, quick, and able to curl up quickly as you jump in the sled. Roman Torres and Bryan Meredith would be the Sounders bobsledders. Torres is a beast that could give them a massive start while Meredith would pilot the sled.

Cross-Country Skiing - Endurance is key in cross-country skiing and Jordy Delem has that.

Curling - The sport that you either love or hate, curling. In short just slide the rocks down the ice into the house. In order to do that you need precision and to see the game two-three rocks ahead. Stefan Frei would captain the side. While the goalkeeper is suited well to play goalie barehanded in hockey as well (at least my mom thinks so), his organization and communication are the core of this team. Harry Shipp would be his co-captain, the vision he possess is perfect for this event. Jordan McCrary is the final member of Sounders Curling. Let’s get them some of those Norwegian Curling Team pants.

Hockey - Obviously a hockey team has more than one player and plenty of the Sounders could fit there but Chad Marshall is our representative. He’d play defender just like in soccer. He seems like he’d love to hit a guy in open ice and smash a few slap shots from the blue line. Like the best defenders in hockey, his stare strikes fear in you.

Figure Skating - Three events in figure skating need Seattle’s attention, pairs, ice dancing, and the men’s sole event. Cristian Roldan would feature in both team events as Team Jorstian Mordan would be in the pairs event. Jordan Morris and Cristian have so much chemistry that doing quad axles together or tossing one another into the air would be seamless.

In ice dancing, the Americans fell in love with the Shibutanis, the brother and sister ice dancing team and so of course we’d have our own sibling pair, Alex and Cristian Roldan. The Roldans would win gold for just being themselves. If you are wondering why they are dancing instead of Joristan Mordan, it’s because Jordan can’t dance.

Victor Rodriguez would skate the men’s solo event. Similar to medalist and countryman Javier Fernandez, Rodriguez has a wonderful combination of skill, swagger, and suave (as Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski would say) to win a medal.

Freestyle Moguls - three jumps and a bunch of bumps is how to best describe moguls. Gustav Svensson has all the prerequisites for the event; he can ride a tackle, similar to running over moguls, he has skill in the air and glorious locks. Goose will take gold just for his hair.

Luge - To be an attacking left back it takes speed, control, and attention to your surroundings at all times. Luge requires all of those things while laying on your back. Waylon Francis as a steady left back would fly down the track for the Rave Green.

Skeleton - Osvaldo Alonso is fearless because Honey Badger don’t care. Skeleton takes being fearless as you go down face-first and can reach speeds in upwards of 80mph. Ozzie would be successful at any sport he tried but he’s the only one who could really grab skeleton by bones and win it.

Ski Jumping - Magnus Wolff Eikrem has skiing in his blood or at least his country does. Any of the events he could probably do but ski jumping we’ll give to him. The real question is, can he grow a mustache like bronze medalist, Robert Johansson?

Skiing Slopestyle - the trick-based event that combines rail sections and jumps would be for Will Bruin. The Dancing Bear’s ability to have strength and still be delicate would help him grab a big score. His experience playing with his back to goal will help for going down switch (backwards). Also his play last year with a dislocated elbow would earn points with US slopestyle skier Gus Kenworthy, who competed with a broken thumb that he suffered in a practice run.

Snowboard Cross - This is a your basic racing event, you need pace but more importantly you need balance and strength to stay up. Most riders are going about the same pace and it becomes a challenge as to how you land your jumps, your cornering ability, and staying up when you get bumped. Zach Mathers is a gritty centermid that can fight off racers in the corners and get through snowboard cross.

Snowboard Halfpipe - It is more contained than slopestyle but produces bigger air. You need to balance a reserved personality while being larger than life. Nicolas Lodeiro has that personality and his creative would be the key in putting together a run with more 1440s than anyone has ever done. He’d break records and probably get a new trick named after him. Hopefully he takes Chloe Kim’s advice and eats a pre-run churro.

Snowboard Slalom - Similar to downhill skiing, snowboarding slalom is about pace and keeping it tight. Tony Alfaro has just enough pace to do well at the event and I wouldn’t necessarily say he would be the best at this event but he’s aggressive. The center back goes to ground, a lot, which in soccer isn’t the best. But take that aggressiveness and put it into slalom and you’ve got a underdog who will either trim a few seconds off his score on the way to podium or be disqualified and I’m betting on a medal.

Speed Skating - Two distances, short and long track. You’ve also got a relay team that can race, for the purpose of this all four races will be part of the short-track relay team.

Long-track speed skating is dominated historical by the Dutch and because of that Kelvin Leerdam and his Dutch lineage will go for Seattle. Sven Kramer and co. could teach Leerdam a few things before he gets on the track but I’m sure he’s been to Amsterdam during the winter and got around by speed skating on frozen canals.

Short-track speed skating is less disciplined than long-track in that you don’t have to conserve energy in the same manner. It’s a chaotic minute or two and then it is over. ‘Hou would bring his controlled chaos to the track and win by a few lengths. There’s a chance he’d even throw in a bicycle clearance flip to start the race. He’s one of the fastest guys on the roster and he’d show it here. Homegrown attackers Henry Wingo and Seyi Adekoya have plenty of pace and would join the two defenders in the relay course. Seyi will use his instincts of running at defenders to cut around a racer in the corner on the final lap to take the lead and win it by half a blade.